I bought a umbrella today and it started raining almost immediately. I’m heading to buy a box of condoms…
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Pro tip:
Singing “Into the great wide open” is never ok during sex
I accidentally spilled water on the rice so I immediately put it in a jar of smartphones.
Dear Samsung,
please also start selling jeans that can accommodate your smartphones.
Apparently it was disrespectful to wear my Slayer hoodie at my friend’s murdered husband’s funeral.
At my 12yo’s school awards ceremony tonight I danced in my seat just enough for her to see me, smile, shake her head in happy embarrassment, and look down to avoid accidentally smiling again
My work here is done
I need to find a way to politely tell the new girl that- how can I put this delicately?- aliens can smell her perfume in space.
“Hey, boo”
– a casual ghost
Your first mistake was leaving your dessert on the table; your second mistake was trusting me not to eat it.
I wonder how long until my guy friends figure out I only invite them over to kill bugs for me
So this dude was installing adhesive for the carpet to go on and….he didn’t plan this very well. Lol
I read my daughter a book about a Frogapotamus last night and dreamt of riding one. Tonight I’m reading her Hugh Jackman’s autobiography.
Her: Hey, what does this dress say to you?
*Whirls Around*
Me: I’m not in the mood to listen to your clothes right now, I’m drinking!!
I bet it’ll be frustrating when we get abducted by aliens and forced into their weird zoo to do human things. An alien kid will throw food at us and shout, “Do a war crime!” Listen, buddy, that’s not how it works.
there should be more car holidays besides christmas like “hoppy honda days” or “a leggxus to remember” for easter or even “creepy jeepy month” for halloween. i mean cmon do i have to do all the work around here?
this coffee maker is handing out writing prompts for a choose-your-own-adventure vampire story
public defender: if we get the wooden hammer away from the judge we win
Cashier: do you need bags?
Me: do any of us NEED anything?
Cashier: sir, I have a liberal arts degree too
Me: plastic please
How do you know when you are too drunk to drive?
When you swerve to miss a tree and then realise it was your air freshener..
I’m 5’4″ – if I was supposed to be the bigger person, God would have made me taller
St Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland, which was fantastic until they decided to become politicians
People in Jersey say “you’re welcome” not to be polite but to remind people to say thank you.
Having kids is a little like when the free sample lady tries to tell you all about the cheese & you pretend to be interested while you eat.
Her: “Your funny”
Me: “…. Uh ya… this isn’t gonna work”
I asked my imaginary friend if I was emotionally stable, and she said yes, so…
[job interview]
“What’s your biggest weakness?”
I make poor decisions
“Can you explain?”
Sure, but let’s do some shots first
doctor: here’s your x-ray
me: ew I look ugly in this one delete it take another
At the end of “Grease,” the car just started flying and everyone was all, “Aw, good for them.”
My dog asked what it was like to be human, so I told him that talking was a good start.
Sorry I dressed up like Captain Caveman when you asked me if I wanted to go clubbing.
I’ve decided it’s time to fall in love again.
*orders southern fried chicken sandwich with extra pickles*