Whenever my bitchy Ex used to whine about something, I reminded her that time heals all wounds…
Then I threw clock at her face.
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“Lets all start wearing weird ’90s mom jeans!” – girls now
ME: I’m as strong as a box!
HER: Surely you mean “ox”?
ME: [easily collapses after getting wet from tears]
Optimist: The glass is ½ full.
Pessimist: The glass is ½ empty.
Excel: The glass is January 2nd.
I had to work all night but I can’t wait until my girlfriend hears her new La Cucaracha car horn
I just saw an article titled “Can We build a Real Jurassic Park?”
DID YOU FORGET WHAT HAPPENED IN THE MOVIE?!
My life coach refuses to tell me which motivational quote will protect me from corona virus 😡
You can pour up to 12 bowls of salad in your sweats before they kick you out of the Olive Garden.
I lost 30 lbs, and did it without exercising or changing my diet! Ask me how.
Not right now, though. I’m waiting for my meth dealer to call.
Girls hate it when you give them Christmas presents with an implied expectation, like an iron, a food processor, or knee pads.
Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.
The new Disney Pixar movie sounds wild
(Don’t let her know you can’t read)
Yes I’ll have this
*points to menu*
-So you want the gratuity of 15% added to parties of 8 or more?
Shit
eavesdropping at a coffee shop to this girl talking for an HOUR STRAIGHT about how she can’t find a good man and she hasn’t let her friend say even a single WORD. like sweetheart the call is coming from inside the house
this country is so goddamn polarized
That one onion ring didn’t end up in your french fries by accident. That’s Burger King’s way of flirting with you.
I hate it when I’m by the window and make eye contact with someone outside, so I understand why this lady is shocked to see me up a tree.
Doctor, seeing scratch on my arm: oh geez, do you have a cat?
Me: …a daughter.
[Reporting live on scene]
Weatherman: how much rain are you seeing?
Me: Christ Gary, all of it.
Waiter: Is something wrong with your fish?
Me: I ordered it battered
Waiter: Terribly sorry *punches fish*
Me: Thanks
Her: sobbing, smashing Doritos and cupcakes into her mouth*
Him: how was your day, babe?
[if you can make a girl laugh you can make her do anything]
*makes a girl laugh*
me: can you do my taxes
While I might feel unsure how to react, my middle finger is well versed in handling stupid people.
Carpenter ants are bullshit, I left a whole box of ikea furniture here, all they did was carry off my watermelon and steal a picnic basket
Her: Oh, a handsome man like you must be used to compliments.
Me: Yes, but do go on…
oh shit i shouldn’t have quit my office job, that’s where i printed everything out
He may not be a 10 but he covers his food when he puts it in the microwave
Me: *wolf whistles*
AM I BEING GASLIT????
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: For giving up my seat to a blind guy?
BOSS: You’re an Uber driver