“Lets all start wearing weird ’90s mom jeans!” – girls now
You Might Also Like
That time Alicia messaged me
I’m glad we’re finally banning plastic straws. It’s about time we started caring about camels and their fragile backs
Librarian: Shhh!
Me: Shh!
Librarian: Shh!
Me: Shh!
Librarian: *glares at me*
Me: Look lady, I can do this all day.
Me: I’m nervous about mingling at the party
Wife: Just talk about stuff anyone can relate to[Party]
Me: HI I UNDERSTAND YOU TOO ARE HUMAN
Dig one moat around your house and everyone’s all “you’re being unreasonable” and “where did you get the alligators”
If you weren’t supposed to stab people then they wouldn’t have been made so squishy.
“I love you but I don’t trust you,” I say to my dog as I put cheese and crackers on the table.
If you ever see me sleeping with one leg sticking out from under the blanket please don’t cover it back up, that’s my climate control system
Her: Do you wanna do it?
Me: Do what?
Her: It.
Me: What’s it?
Her: You know… It.
Me: Oh… I call first player.
Her: Wait, what?
me: let’s change your diaper
2: oh, no. I couldn’t possibly. I’m late setting up my pacifier scavenger hunt. I must dash!
I don’t use Tinder, I meet girls the old school way: never
There is no idea so bad that it cannot be made to look brilliant with the right application of fonts and colours
Name a cuter carnivore than a penguin. I’ll wait.
Excluding leopards sleeping high in tree branches. Or fossa. And meerkats, obviously.
Okay so name an aquatic carnivore that’s cuter. Ha! You can’t. Except maybe otters and baby sea turtles I guess, you know what, forget it.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: omg is anyone a doctor?
ME: *stands up confidently and turns to flight attendant* you forgot my Diet Coke
HER: I love how we always finish each other’s
HIM:
HER:
HIM:
HER: Marriages
Some days driving is like Russian roulette, but with squirrels.
Blues songs are about being sad, which is why so many of them begin with “I woke up this morning.”
*struts into the new year
~ trips
There should be a true crime story about feeding someone a peanut butter sandwich and giving them nothing to drink.
I learned most of what I know about dropping pianos on people from cartoons.
Me: I’m going to have a shower
3: I’ll give you two minutes
Whenever I can’t sleep at night I dig a hole in the backyard to keep the neighbors guessing.
me: “so when do you think we’ll see a big hairy boy?”
my hunting partner: “please call them bears”
Liquidity is the only difference between soup, stew and a casserole. There, I said it.
[boy spreads his little arms]
Boy: i love you this much daddy!
Neil deGrasse Tyson: on a universal scale, that is an alarmingly small amount
Cat.
dog math is dividing the number of secret service agents you bite by seven
Trying a thing where I convince my boss today is Friday. Wore jeans, asked about her weekend plans, emailed her the Friday cafeteria specials & wished her a great weekend. Happy Friday everyone!
I would rather have a 100 poisonous spiders dumped on my naked body than a second date.
Me: So that’s a no?
If I’m facing away from you during sex, assume I’m quietly enjoying a snack.