And so the devil decided to put the delete key above the send key. The end
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Every Olympic event should include one average person competing, for reference.
It feels like Duolingo is giving me writing prompts for a very specific story
“Listen to your body.” Okay, my body wants to be fat and unemployed.
The first rule of Illiteracy Club is no reading. That was a test, and you failed. You’re failing now. You’re not welcome in Illiteracy Club.
there are two types of people:
– someone who texts an entire paragraph before hitting send
– someone who texts that same paragraph and hits send after every third word
[hospital]
“Will dad ever wake from his coma?”
WIFE: Of course dear [loudly] LET’S GO HOME TO ORGANIZE & RE-ARRANGE HIS TOOLS
DAD: I’M UP
physically I’m in this realm but spiritually I’m running through halls in a silk robe wondering where to hide my rich dead husband
The police sent me a photo radar ticket so I sent them a photo of a hundred dollars, so I guess we’re even.
I met a girl that told me, “Make me laugh and I’m yours”.
So I pulled down my pants.
Apparently, she didn’t want to laugh that hard. 🙁
FBI AGENT: You’ll be put into witness protection
ME: Can I be someone that has friends?
FBI AGENT: No, it has to be believable.
Wife: I read my mom that funny tweet you wrote.
Me: Don’t you mean THOSE funny TWEETS?
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: No. No, I don’t.
i got the covid booster and a flu shot earlier today and the guy giving it to me was like “are you getting this for school or work?” and i panicked and said “for fun”
Me: Well, basically it sounds like when you’re crouching in an abandoned building on a remote planet in the future and a Cylon is scanning for your presence to destroy you.
Dishwasher Repair Man: That will be $200.
Ladies if you receive flowers with no card attached, they’re from me.
the 2yr old is walking around going, “sus, sus,” and I wondered what I was doing to have him question my motives.
turns out he just wanted apple sauce
I’m spirituality evolved, but I also want to slap people.
‘I know a black person’
– White people
to the spirits in my walls: going to the store be right back.
Please define the logic when someone says you’re too much?
Too much what?
Researcher: By 2030, life expectancy is predicted to increase globally by 6 years.
Southerner: [pouring mac and cheese into deep fryer] No.
Don’t you hate when you do something out of the kindness of your heart & someone gets upset because you shoved a pack of gum in their mouth?
Ever worry that spiders have 8 slippers to slap you with?
THIS HEADLINE
When you and your favorite bird are very high at the zoo
Bored, go into a fitting room wait a couple minutes then yell, “where’s the toilet paper”
*throws a rock at a bird*
Me [writing in “science” journal]: birds don’t like rocks.
To be clear, when I say “let’s get it on”, I’m talking about the two-person horse costume.
Buys new collar for my dog. It’s too big! Apparently he thinks it’s jewelry and won’t let me take it off.
DOCTOR: I’m afraid I’ve got bad news
ME: *pulls an apple from pocket*
DOCTOR: *sweating* GOOD NEWS, I MEANT GOOD NEWS
Taught a parrot to repeatedly say “WHERE ARE YOUR GLOVES?” and now I don’t have to talk to my kids until Spring so that’s pretty cool.