If a girl says she wants to have seggs with you, she means six hard boiled eggs
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I feel bad for all the non-violent clowns who live in sewers
[bicycle race]
Me *way behind because I’m struggling to ride two unicycles at once* wait
TRUTHFUL TUESDAY:
When my son was 7 he pissed me off so badly I pressed all the elevator buttons knowing every new rider would blame him.
*logs onto online banking*
Oh good, my emergency dollar is still there
My driver’s license says I’m an organ donor but jokes on them because I have a piano.
Pro tip:
Ensure that you never have to spend the holidays at your mother-in-law’s again by telling her that her cooking tastes “institutional.”
*the great barrier reef is destroyed but a new one forms in its place* what a rereef
“We’re still looking for a side project”
Tornado: *raises hand* we could flip houses
“We’ve been over this, it’s not what you think it is”
[In the gym] hey guys it’d be a lot easier to lift these weights if we worked together
people who clap when the plane lands are insufferable i only clap when the plane takes off and whenever someone exits the restroom
Let’s cut to the chase babe. I’ve only got a few DMs left.
I used to sneak out of my house to go to parties, now I sneak out of parties to go to my house.
Husband, “Aaaaannnd that completes my order.”
Tombstone Engraver, “Are you sure you want it spelled like this….Belovud wyfe, freind, and muther?”
Husband, “She can’t correct me now.”
“I guess we should make them sound like a space shuttle is taking off during an a-bomb explosion.”
-person who invented hand dryers
Really not sure what’s all the fuss about the Queen’s #Nazi salute, everyone knows ‘Scissors Beat Paper’
This is an illustration of how dumb I am in the morning: I woke up yesterday to my “Alarm” on my phone and my first thought was “Aladdin is calling me”
(Age 22)
*chugs bottle of water*
Let’s shoot some more hoops!(Age 42)
*chugs bottle of water*
I gotta pee.
If pizza places cold called people’s homes and asked if they wanted to order a pizza, I guarantee you their business would triple.
Her: All the men have jackets on. Why didnt you wear the sports jacket I got you?
Me: You bought me a ski jacket
Her: Skiing is a sport!
Child: I need to be dismissed from school, my stomach hurts.
Also child, after being dismissed: [orders himself DoorDash from McDonald’s at 8 PM]
My son just told me everyone wishes they had a mother like me and I don’t know if I should hug him or ask him what the hell he did wrong.
I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae
7 A.M.: I will only eat the wholesome low-calorie whole grain cereal with skim milk.
MIDNIGHT: Where are the chocolates? I must have more chocolates!
The reason I keep important things in my pants is so I’ll remember to wear pants.
Never understood why people need bathrobes? Just take off your clothes and have a bath, then put on some clothes after the bath. Why the need for an intermediate garment? This is a moneymaking scam being propagated by Big Robe.
The day your child learns the word literally and starts using it in literally every sentence is the day you literally wish you’d never let them learn to speak.
I told my kids I’d rather they “pull the plug” than let me live in a vegetative state dependent on machines.
So they hid my phone charger.
i’d like to drink my problems away but my kids don’t fit in the shot glass
Sometimes, even I can’t tell if I’m being sarcastic or if I’m really just a bitch.