Her: Do we have any chicken stock?
Me: I’m not sure what that has to do with soup, but I’ll call my broker on Monday.
You Might Also Like
I lost a good friend today, he asked me to pick up some non-alcoholic beer.
Me: I would like to eat a boiled mermaid
Waiter: sir I don’t think you underst-
Me: the bottom half
Waiter: very good, sir
Guys what shall we call thing that impedes movement?
GUY NAMED BARRY: “How about a barry?”
GUY NAMED BARRY BARRY: “How about a barrier?”
{response at rap battle}
Nice try but my Mom isn’t even flexible so it’s impossible that really took place.
I spray Lysol on Tide Pods before I eat them. Double protection!
*walks into your house*
*sees doll collection*
*backs out slowly lest the dolls notice me and decide to attack*
Interviewer: How would you say the Queen’s response…
Prince William: Definitely not racistly!
I’m on a walk with my 4 year old. There’s not another person in sight. I’ve tapped her on her far shoulder three times already and each time she’s stopped, turned around, and looked confused as hell. We’ve still got a long walk ahead–I’m going to go for the world record.
Sure Romeo & Juliet is a great love story but have you heard Sk8er Boi?
Editor: What’s the first question every good reporter asks?
Reporter: Why did I major in journalism?
[trying to fall asleep]
SHEEP: count us
ME: im good, thanks
SHEEP: *louder* count us
ME:nope
SHEEP: *yelling* count us
ME:*sighs* one, two, thr…
SHEEP: follow us*one hour later*
ME: *knitting a scarf* this is so relaxing
”This is my last chance” I whisper to myself, as we sit on the couch cuddling and I stare at that one slice of pizza left in the box
knowing stuff is probably the worst thing you could do for your mental health
Interviewer: *glancing from my resume to my wheelchair*
“It says here you ran a marathon?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I have excellent organizational skills.”
[first date]
Him: I live with my mom.
Me: Living or dead?
So my doctor said my alcohol use was depleting magnesium from my body and I should change my lifestyle, so I bought a magnesium supplement.
The one upside to triplets is that you finally have enough babies to juggle
Him: [running his fingers through my hair] is… is this part of a cookie?
Haven’t lost a game of chess in twenty years, mainly because I haven’t played in that long or what have you.
Don’t worry if she spells out “I’m fine!” in lighter fluid on your front lawn, but if she lights it… she is definitely lying.
it’s so stupid how stores are already selling halloween candy, like anybody is actually going door-to-door this year,
..today i bought a 5lb bag.
Don’t be sad about being single on Valentine’s Day, think of all the ppl in relationships that don’t know they’re also single
What idiot called them “cannibals” and not “humanitarians”?
Sleeping in a tent is so relaxing. You can hear the leaves rustling, the loons calling out on the lake and, if you listen closely, whimpering teenagers crying out softly “wifi, wifiiiii”.
I bought Oreos for my kid’s camp and I have to drive home with them next to me and not eat them. I may not have thought this through completely
Shout-out to smartphones for eliminating tedious tasks from our lives like reading books or watching the road when we drive.
For a brief moment I confusedly ask myself, “Am I Hannah?”
My favourite kid I ever taught when I was a swim teacher was this little 4-year-old Italian boy. One time he sneezed and nobody said anything so he just went “what? No bless yous for Giacomo?”
I only had one piece of pizza at dinner tonight. One huge round piece.
Just saw a guy at the gym with only 1 arm.
If that’s not motivation, I don’t know what is?
Seriously, I don’t know, I’m leaving…