me: i just love traveling!
my basketball coach: that’s what i want to talk to you about
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My husband put on a ratty old t shirt and asked me how it looked and I had to break it to him that it’d look better in the trash which apparently is marriage code for “it’s probably good for another five years at least.”
911: What’s your emergency?
[sounds of struggling and growling]
911: Hello?!
Me: I OFFERED THIS RACCOON MY SANDWICH BUT I CHANGED MY MIND
it’s giving duvet, it’s quiltcore, if the vibe was sleepy time she’s serving honk shoooo honk shoooo
I love how Hello Fresh always gives me way more garlic than I need. I admire a company not afraid to take a firm stance against Dracula.
Parenthood is mostly reminding the kids “no eating on the couch” while you’re eating on the couch & agreeing with them that life isn’t fair.
[at a party]
host: would you like a tour
me: no thanks, but hey while I have you here… which room would you describe as “off limits”
“Daddy, how are babies made?”
“Well son, when a man and a woman have too much to drink..”
You’d think with food shortages around the world someone would have come up with a way to grow pepperoni pizza trees or something.
Her: So when you said you were going to make me happy using just your mouth…
Me: *putting down microphone* BEATBOXING IS A GIFT SARAH
this lady on nextdoor was like “we’ve had this chihuahua for ten years but we had a baby so now we’re getting rid of our dog does anyone want him” and i replied “rehome the baby” and now IM the bad guy?
A barbed wire tattoo is a great way to keep people from breaking into your upper arm.
In an unexpected turn of events yesterday, my husband tested the child locks on the car doors.
“Laura, can you come and let me out?”
I realize how this looks, but that guy’s neck was already like that when I got here.
I have really bad hearing & thought he said “I love turds” but he said “nerds” & now I don’t know what to do with this shit in my underwear.
Pigeon: the distance a pig travels in one eon
me: hello 911
911: look, we’ve already asked your neighbor to return your leaf blower ok
HIM: I wanna be more than friends.
ME: You wanna be BEST friends?
Never look at the guy riding a unicycle, you’re giving him what he wants
What I try to explain you, is that I do know you have very good big cups in this nice coffee shop, but I’m emotionally attached to this bucket, could you fill it up with your excellent coffee, please
*calls into work*
“yo boss i’m real sick”
“you don’t sound sick…”
“ya, just got a new tribal tat & heelys”
“wow u do sound hella sick”
Every Coronavirus post on Facebook should just start with, “First off, I have no idea what i’m talking about.”
Ever notice how like 97% of people just make up statistics on here?
My 4-year-old asked for hot cocoa, but wanted me to put it in the fridge to cool off before he drank it.
I said, “So you basically want chocolate milk.” His look said, “Don’t even think about it.”
My birthstone is a sushi roll.
The most embarrassing thing on my phone is my calculator history
Diet starts today.
I need to lose about 3 years.
Pro tip: If you eat your sandwich in line you don’t have to pay for it.
Oh my god
10 signs that he’s just not that into you
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10. He is a cat.
Get your relatives speaking to one another again by sending a heartfelt Christmas card with a picture of your family with an extra child nobody knows.