Stop trying to make me exfoliate. Maybe I like having 17 layers of crusty old skin on my face.
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WORK FROM HOME TIPS:
Have a routine. Shower/dress like normal. Keep a dedicated workspace. Fill a briefcase with sausages & carry it at all times. Stick to usual work hours. NEVER let raccoons trick you into trusting them with the beefcase: they dont have your interests at heart
“I’m not a fan.”
-air conditioner
People who give you their attention only when they’re lonely or bored…
No thank you.
I already have a cat.
you ever be washing a spoon and it wash u back?
Hope my neighbors like my new pet howler monkeys
I contain multitudes, Elizabeth
[girl chatting up guy at bar]
girl: so what do you do?
magician: i halve a girlfriend
Customer next to me at pharmacy counter: What are you taking those for?
Me: To control my homicidal rage at nosy people.
Customer: …
Ever feel like you have one foot in a canoe and the other on a banana peel?
I found a body in the trunk of my car today, which is disturbing because I remember leaving 2 in there..
BARISTA: Thanks for coming. Enjoy your coffee!
ME: Thanks. You too!
BARISTA: You too? Oh no. Not again.
*pours ninth cup of coffee for the day and drinks it while excitedly sobbing
*sewing*
A thread
My 6 year old found the duct tape and now nothing in my house moves.
If you run out of Christmas wrapping paper remember you can just write Jesus on the Happy Birthday.
If I ever go missing, put up fliers saying I left a dog in a hot car so people will actually look for me.
Interviewer: what qualifies you as a horticulturist?
Me: I have something growing on everything in my fridge.
In 2000 years, people will celebrate all this with chocolate eggs delivered by an imaginary rabbit.
~Time travelling me, to Pontius Pilate.
My wife makes us recycle everything.
*empties condom into sink*
A good spouse doesn’t complain about watching their partner’s stupid shows. A good spouse looks up spoilers online then slowly and strategically makes what appear to be highly astute observations about characters & plotlines, planting seeds that may not bloom for several seasons.
You think you found a parking spot and then boom. Kia damn Soul.
[WOLF CUB] Dad, why do we howl at the moon?
[WOLF DAD] Well son, the moon is made of cheese and that’s rad as hell
Me: Will I live a long and happy life? *shake, shake, shake*
SOON A DOZEN CLOWNS WILL MURDER YOU WHILE YOU SLEEP
Me: This is the worst Magic 8 Ball ever.
[Neo’s Matrix bullet dodge but instead it’s me taking a compliment]
If your wife says “what would you do without me?”
“Live happily ever after” is NOT the correct answer.Brrrr it’s cold in this doghouse 🙁
All goalies should wear gorilla suits in the playoffs
Took my puppy to the vet today and they distracted him with a cozy bed, cookies, and cheese so my gynecologist needs to up their game.
How come I can get free wifi with a $3 cup of coffee but I can’t get it with a $150 hotel room?
My term for half of a 13×9 pan of brownies is “dessert”.
My term for the other half is “breakfast”.
[on the train]
Conductor: Ticket please
Me: *hands it over*
C: Lady this is a speeding ticket
M: *sighs* That’s why I’m on the train
Air Canada says 20,000 mobile app users have been affected by a data breach. On the upside, the hackers might know where your lost luggage is.