Imagine if we were like cows and horses and when we gave birth our baby would immediately stand up and start running around the hospital and the doctors would have to catch them and round them up in a baby pen
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[baby sitting]
“Hey, yeah it’s me. No, everything’s fine. Just a quick question about his legs.”
“…”
“So how many legs did he have?”
me: just checkin to see if you’re ok, missed you at dinner
telemarketer who calls at the same time every day: oh hey it’s not a good time, can I call you back
If you can’t think of a word say “I forget the English word for it”. That way people will think you’re bilingual instead of an idiot.
I can tell the way my kids inherited my sarcasm by the way I want to punch them in the face every time they use it.
Oops
I once got a bonus onion ring in my fries at a restaurant that didn’t serve onion rings if you’re wondering who’s top shelf around here
God: Imagine there’s no heaven, it’s easy if you try
Angel: wait and lose this job security? In this economy?
My daughter just maintained eye contact while stuffing her face with the last of my chocolate stash and my husband said “oh shit” and picked her up and took her into the other room but he won’t always be here to protect her
If you want to know how old my daughter is it’s “won’t talk on the phone if I’m in the room” years old
Sorry, I’m in a hurry, lets talk while we walk… You go that way.
My mom had a “sex talk” with me when I was 14 or 15. It was before my piano lesson and she said, “NEVER TRUST BOYS. THEY ONLY WANT ONE THING” then walked away without ever saying what it was.
So every time a classmate asked to look at my notes, I slapped the shit out of him.
I have nothing nice to wear for the government shutdown
Construction sites are dangerous places. I nearly blacked out holding in my stomach as I walked past one.
Unfortunately I’ve determined that sucking up is part of human nature because it works and yes my boss DID look very nice today…
Facebook: I’m happy!
Instagram: I’m pretty!
Vine: I’m artsy!
Pinterest: I’m crafty!
Twitter: I’m lying everywhere but here.
I feel bitchy.I want to steal your pen,then use it in front of you,while denying it’s your pen.Then leave a note that says “it was your pen”
Obama: Didn’t think he’d be late
Biden: I gave him the wrong address
Obama: Joe he’s the president-elect
Biden: idgaf what they call him
These work great until they don’t.
I didn’t buy any junk food when I last left my house, March 19th…I am intensely regretting that decision.
[space launch]
ASTRONAUT: houston we have a problem
ME: *elbows him* lol we’re gonna get mooned
ASTRONAUT: *sighs* houston we have two problems
crush: i really like music
me: *gets jealous of music and rips off crushes ears*
“a perfectly placed emoji is better than good punctuation.. ”
said No Teacher ever
Yeah, but is it Tyrannosauri Rex or Tyrannosaurus Rexes?
*The Jehovahs Witness slams my own door in my face
Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.
“I’ll have a rum and coke”
Is pepsi ok?
“Sure whatever”
*hands you a pepsi and coke*
there comes a point in every parent’s life when they consider the possibility that they might need to lower their expectations
MOM LEAF: omg you changed color
KID LEAF: yeah everyone’s doing it
MOM LEAF: oh so if all the other leaves fell off the tree would you do it too
co-worker: kinda weird how batman takes a kid out at night to punch felons
bruce wayne: [across the room] i dunno kinda sounds like you guys are just making it weird
Me (severely dehydrated): This churro is overcooked, and I can barely taste the cinnamon
Lifeguard: sir, put down the pool noodle
Me: I’m here for Unreliable Club
Guy: The meeting was yesterday
Me: I know
Guy *under breath* holy shit this guy’s good