Each year over 40, one more part of your body becomes audible.
You Might Also Like
My one neighbor just said Supposingly and my other neighbor responded with Supposably..
I’ve hid both their bodies
I told my kids I’d rather they “pull the plug” than let me live in a vegetative state dependent on machines.
So they hid my phone charger.
Jeff: i’m pro gun.
Me: i’m anti gun.
Greg: i’m vegan.
Me: i’m pro gun, now. Jeff, give me your gun.
Someone tried to persuade me to go to a party by saying, “Are you sure? There’s gonna be a lot of people there.” Oh then definitely no
me: and make it a double. it’s been a long night
bartender: *duct taping two Capri-Suns together*
If your phone gets wet, put it in a bag of rice because maybe an Asian will come by and fix it.
There’s no cool way to get your braces unstuck from the carpet.
Nice try “Enjoy By” date on bag of broccoli, nice try.
What kind of losers are sitting home and tweeting on a Friday night?!?!
Oh, wait…never mind.
take that, baby!!! he knows what he did.
Fall is here! I can finally start burning my pumpkin cinnamon cupcake cranberry apple pie walk in the snow vanilla snickerdoodle flannel scented candle without feeling like a psychopath
RIGHT?
Texting you back right away doesn’t make me a psycho.
What makes me a pyscho is watching you through your window while petting your cat.
Carl’s joy at escaping the predators captured forever by an ill-timed mud slide.
coworker: how was your weekend?
me: sucked, I had to move
coworker: you sold your house?
me: no, my wife made me get off the couch
i’m wearing a jetpack to my job interview tomorrow so if they turn me down i can disappoint everyone there by just walking out calmly
Funny cuz it’s true! #WritingCommunity #Reading
[fight scene – me and a murderer kick a gun across the room and grapple for it]
me: [reaching under couch] shit
murderer: let me try i have longer arms
me: you do not
murderer: do too. stand up
[we measure arm length]
me: wow
murderer: yeah i got like a 6’3” wingspan
“Impeccable” sounds like a general immunity to crow attacks…
Dear GPS
If I knew which direction northeast was , we wouldn’t be having this conversation
My husband started cooking right after I had cleaned the whole kitchen so he’s basically asking for a divorce.
Human: we have a color named after you!
Salmon: really? is it silvery blue like my outsides?
Human: no, uh–
Salmon: wait why is it pink?
Human: …
Salmon: WHY IS IT PINK
[first phone call]
Watson: hello
Graham Bell: Eureka!! It works!! While I have you, did you know your vehicle warranty is about to expire?
my neighbour ryan: I was at a zombie walk we all dressup and walk around downtown
me holding an axe: I wanna believe you ryan I really do
what other people think of me is none of my business. unless it’s bad, then i need to know everything
The X-Files will have 3 back to back episodes that are dead serious about elaborate conspiracies where anyone can be killed for knowing too much, and then the very next episode will be like “Scully there’s a dude I wanna check out who thinks he’s a goat”
i’m gonna start paying to get trapped in an escape room just for an hour of alone time
me: i know things haven’t been going well, but I think if we have a kid together, we can turn this around
boss: you’re still fired
A girl phoned me the other day and said…”Come on over, there’s nobody home.” I went over. Nobody was home.
I think something went wrong here?!🤔
Quentin Tarantino + Johnny Depp = Rango Django