Instead of “Who’s your daddy?” I accidentally said “How’s your daddy?” and we put our clothes back on and discussed her father’s cholesterol
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*performs CPR on the turkey*
Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups are my birthstone.
Me: Where is the string?
Craft store employee: Yarn?
Me: Just string.
Him: For?
Me: Tying things? Maybe in the garden section…
Him: So you want twine.
Me: What? No, string.
[Half hour later]
Me, sobbing: Please, I just want to tie things
mariah carrie
[Calling doctor’s office]
Lady: When is your child’s birthday?
Me: *panic* click
[3 guys corner me in an alley]
3G: Bet you’re scared
Me: *shows them my wife’s credit card bills*
3G: *hand over their wallets* holy shit
4 months ago,I started a poultry business with 4 chicken🐣 ,And I’m here to tell you that I successfully ate all of them😂😂
People just talk about spiders but how many paper towels do you think you eat every year
prisoner 1: what are you in for?
prisoner 2: murder
prisoner 3: arson
hamburglar: alright well it feels stupid now
my friends when i can’t do basic math
A first kiss so tentative and awkward, you regret all the time you spent practicing on your beagle.
Did I just say that out loud?
Dating tip: Before you think he’s attractive—stop, breathe, and take a moment to think… is he attractive, or is he just a bowl of lasagna?
*walking down street with friend*
Well, this is me.
*jumps in front of bus*
My life hack? If you buy a Rubik’s cube and never touch it they’ll never know you can’t solve it.
KID: Dad?
DAD: Yes, son
KID: What is the true meaning of Easter?
DAD: Well my boy, when someone wants to go very, very East they g-
KID: Never mind
mugger: GIMME UR MONEY
“All I have is this $5 grandma gave me on my birthday”
[mugger pulls off mask revealing grandma]
IT’S PAYBACK TIME
My dog is either dreaming or can’t quite figure out how to shape shift.
I wonder how much time Han Solo spent just brushing Chewie’s fur and talking about their aspirations
new dad Todd: lol check out what I did with my baby
friend: lmao dude did you actually put him in a treetop
Todd: lmao the wind rocks him so I don’t have to
friend: yo what if the bough breaks or some shit hahaha
Todd (suddenly serious): bro why would you even say that
Installing home security cameras seemed like a great idea but explaining my dance offs with the dog was something I should’ve considered.
I heard recently that many people hate it when you tell them they are in your thoughts & prayers during times of difficulty.
I don’t want to be insensitive to anyone’s feelings. So from now on, I’ll just say “sucks to be you.”
fast food drive thru cashier: were you the one with…… …. … lots of stuff?
me: yeah that’s me
Which is your favorite Duran? Duran or Duran?
Me: Do you think I’m fat?
Scale: Err
The Struggle
I like to take candy from a kid cause sugar is bad for them. Then, I eat it in front of them while saying, “don’t do this”
10: Dad, what’s the opposite of “discombobulated?”
Husband:
Me, yelling from the kitchen: You don’t know, do NOT say “combobulated!”
Janay Rice says the elevator attack was all part of God’s plan. God must not like her very much.
alexa, make my husband understand me like your amazon targeted ads do
[calls 911]
Me: my wife’s been bitten by a snake
Operator: ok, suck the poison out
Me [whispering]: dude there’ll be nothing left of her