Mornin
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My guardian angel probably spends most of their day just deleting my draft tweets
When kids ask for a lollipop after a haircut it’s fine, but apparently when an adult asks for one after “doing a really good job sitting” it’s frowned upon. Unfair.
A guy just tried to mansplain me what a sawhorse is but I shut him down because I am well aware that it’s the past tense of seahorse! Ok, thanksbuhbye.
Me: I wanna chew the gum
Willy Wonka: No! You’ll turn into a blueberry
M: I’m doing it
W: Don’t
M:
My wedding anniversary is next week. Does anyone have an idea for a gift that conveys the sentiment ‘our love is priceless’ for under $75?
2: mommy, grammy goes to bed with grandpa
me: yeah, hey can we talk about something else?
Turns out “V for Vendetta” is not an educational movie and it won’t teach your kids the alphabet
My goal weight is getting a magician to saw me in half.
“I need help doing a resume.”
“What software do you want to use?”
“I hoped you’d tell me.”
“And where will you be applying?”
“I was gonna ask you.”
“And what’s your experience?”
“Whatever you think.”
“If you get the job will I be the one showing up? Because I’m busy weekdays.”
Tax questionnaires make me sad. “Still single? Still no home? No kids? Life is meaningless?” Get out of my FACE Turbo Tax
No one has tried to kill me in awhile, and my body double is openly complaining the job I hired him for is less exciting than promised.
[scans box of condoms at self checkout]
UNEXPECTED ITEM IN BAGGING AREA
[scans again]
UNEXPECTED ITEM
wtf [scans again]
I MEAN, LOOK AT YOU
why is covid-19 trending does anyone know
You don’t even want to know what people have used the ice tongs in your hotel room for.
It is what it is. Unless it’s cauliflower. Then it is what it isn’t.
It’s an indescribable feeling when I’m trying to put my toddler in his car seat in a crowded parking lot and him screaming “HELP”.
“I’m usually closed off. But if you get close to me, you’ll find that I’ll really open up.”
-Automatic sliding doors
[at the playground]
“Welcome to Swingers Club. Sorry if you thought this was about spouse-swapping. Now who wants to give me a push?”
Magician: Ok Sir, pick one, write your name on it, and put it back in to the pack. Don’t let me see which one it was.
Me:(wrestling with angry wolf) Have you ever thought of trying this trick with playing cards!!
#RateMyPun #LunchPun
REASONS I’M NOT IN A BAND:
4. I don’t play any instruments
3. Band practice could affect my karate career
2. My karate rivals might hide inside our tour bus and sneak attack me as I relax
1. High risk of groupies falling in love with me and distracting me from my karate training
My 12 year old saw one tick at this cabin and now he’s requesting an airborne tactical extraction.
“This is from the both of us”
– my parents giving me mental illness
Me: Look buddy, I’m not here to play games
Arcade Manager: And that’s exactly why I’ve asked you to leave
And then he tweeted…..
“SEE YOU IN COURT”
After just LOSING IN COURT‼️
Highly Misleading Pictures That Will Make You Need To Look Twice At To Understand
[Having a tea party]
Kid: *takes sip, spits it out*
Me: Oops, I gave you the wrong one! So sorry that’s Mommy’s “tea”
An Apple a day may keep the Doctor away!!!… But an Onion a day keeps Everybody away!!!
Twitter pretty please next to a trending name add a label like “died” or “said something racist” or “is all good, just celebrating a birthday.”
Interviewer: your resume is very impressive, but what would you say is your biggest weakness
Me: lying on my resume probably