My kid keeps asking if we can buy school merch, and sir you are 7 and that is a t-shirt
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Can I still get fat if I snort Mac n Cheese powder?
You’re not going to believe this, but I was doing really well, and then your email found me.
How does the fire know to exit at those specific doors?
(car dealer)
is the passenger seat also heated?
“Aww for ur wife?”
*imagines putting a fast food bag on warm seat after the drive-thru*
yes
“I’m just playing devil’s advocate here.” Ok why are you helping the devil?
Pretty sure I could never successfully get away with a crime. I shed as bad as the cats! 😹
How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two: One to screw it almost all the way in and the other to give it a surprising twist at the end
*Flings your voodoo doll out into the snow*
You cold, bro?
Okie dokie folks *pokes around the ol’ computer* I think I’m in the “dark web.” Do I use tabs or open stuff in a new win- HOLY SMOKES THAT’S NOT HOW YOU USE A PAN FLUTE
Rock bottom is bad, but it still beats scissor bottom.
My garden backs on to railways. About 10 years ago the fences were falling down, complained to network rail who did nothing. In the end, the whole bit of our street got together and put up new fence ourselves. 30 feet back into their land. They’ve never noticed.
Nurse: Doctor this man needs an IV!
Roman Empire doctor: OF WHAT? HE NEEDS 4 OF WHAT?!
What if aliens watch our movies about aliens and then invade accordingly in hopes of fitting in with our culture?
“Never go to bed angry” is some solid advice if you want to stay up until 3am fighting
I took my kids to the pool for the first time this season.
I figured they’d wear themselves out in an hour.
Instead, we’re on hour three, and they’re still going strong, while I need a nap.
Maybe they can carry me home.
do british flat earthers say the world is apartment?
My coworker was making a run to the convenience store and asked if anyone wanted anything and I said a Yoo-hoo and now everyone is making fun of me
Her: I’m leaving you.
Me: Is it because I believe that I’m a transformer?
Her: Yes.
Me: Don’t leave me, I can change.
“i just followed a pigeon on TikTok,” i say to you as you are in the room with me but you are an alien from space and don’t understand and say “what?” and i point to my phone and say “i subscribed to a pigeon on my phone” and you’re like “ok? is it coming here?”
Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me 53 times a day, you’re an Instagram filter.
When I go out in public with my brother; people think he is my boyfriend, which is crazy because we broke up over 12 years ago.
I could never kill someone…
Not one of my knives cuts properly. Not even to cut an onion.
FREE IDEA: a tanning salon called “Turn Brown For What.”
[inventing the grinch] santa needs a wario
Grandma: sorry you guys were busy last night we had such a great—
Kids: we weren’t busy last—
Me: shoves grandma into car
Pony: “I love hay so much I-”
Dad: “Why don’t you marry it, ya big nerd?”
*pony grows up*
*becomes Horse Emperor*
*legalizes hay marriage*
A birth certificate is a basically a baby receipt.
If I was a girl my best friend would have to come untangle me at least twice a week because I tried to take my bra off through my sleeve