Vin Diesel: Is it fast?
Car Salesman: Yes, sir. It is very fast.
Vin Diesel: Oh yeah? *leans in close* Is it furious?
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My cat hates fireworks because he can’t stand the thought of children enjoying themselves.
This is the most 2017 thing I’ve ever seen.
[Jumps into taxi]
“FOLLOW…”
[taxi driver turns around excitedly]
“…ME ON TWITTER”
[Jumps out & moonwalks into Olive garden]
If vampires drink too much blood do they get a fangover *throws phone in a lake
wife: its ruining date night
me: its ruining date night because you’re letting it ruin date night
hitchhiker: just drop me off on the corner
Before joining Twitter I thought I was stupid. But now I’ve realised I’m not alone.
My fortune cookie message read :
“You appeal to a small, select group
of confused people” ….Uh huh ….
Jesus: a 13th disciple? I don’t recall having seen you before, my friend
Disciple: I’m not a duck disguised as a man, if that’s what you’re thinking. Now tell me more about your body being made of bread
Cover letter? Here’s my resume twice.
“Siri, what are the side effects of Valium?” I mumbled into the tv remote.
I moved to quick and my Fitbit asked if it should call an ambulance.
Just saw a license plate that said “LUV SLUG.” I hope it shrivels up when they salt the roads in the winter.
If you yell mosquito you can slap anyone in the face
Got in a fight with the wife so I didn’t let her sleep on the couch with me last night.
One time i was at a party where this guy began a complicated monologue that was directed at me about bitcoin futures, so what i did was i used a meditation technique that i learned from a blackjack dealer at a mormon casino where i just dropped dead right on the spot.
Me: I should tell him how I feel.
Beer: Nah.
Vodka: Just be sweet about it.
Whiskey: Or yell it.
Tequila: MAKE SURE YOU CRY GUYS LOVE THAT
Me: pick your poison….
Him: a margarita would be nice…
Me: that’s not how an lethal injection works, Chad
i don’t give a shit what you losers think i’m clapping when the plane lands
Buy all the cute stuffed animals you want but your toddler is going to sleep with a spatula instead
“I’m sure this happens every time a famous person dies but I wanted to see if the library had any of his CDs.”
“You mean like… music CDs?”
“Yeah. By Shane MacGowan? The Pogues?”
“Oh thank goodness, I thought you were talking about Henry Kissinger.”
Boy never ceases to amaze me
I wish I had the self-confidence of people on Twitter who threaten to unfollow others unless their demands are met.
Whoa 😂
Stop attacking me with reasonable advice
[hitchhikes]
[arrives safely and not murdered]This is bullshit.
My 13 y/o daughter is a little disappointed that her friends backed out of wearing an inflatable shark costume for Halloween and are going as Bluey characters instead but she’s sticking with the shark.
13: They just don’t take Halloween as seriously as me.
Establish dominance on Halloween by eating your neighbor’s jack-o-lanterns.
if i wanted to read your mind, i’d use an axe.
Being Tall:
Pros:
Can reach high things, feel like an Amazonian warrior.Cons:
“Wow, you’re tall!”
“Yes.”
*repeat for infinity*
[Skype]
ME: Finally I see your face and wow.
HIM: [naked] Where are you?!
ME: Starbucks. Wanna meet a few friends? They like your tweets.