Everyone needs to eat healthier. Except the guy sitting next to me loudly eating an apple. That guy should be in prison.
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I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say.. “Hey look! That one is shaped like an idiot!
wife: We really need to start teaching 9 some manners
me: *shoving an entire Pop-Tart in my mouth and spitting crumbs everywhere* I agree
So I recently learned that that plastic thing you pull off the top of the Pringles can can be put back on so it’s like you never opened it.
Still not sure why you would need this though.
I’ve hated dentists way before they started killing lions.
I fold the receipt and place it in my briefcase.
“Now just to be clear, I have to be dead before I use the grave?”
If you think going for a drive isn’t cardio, you haven’t been in my passenger seat.
I can’t get the cork off my dinner.
If you try and fight South Park they will just turn around and do another episode about you. 😬
Make sure you don’t forget the ‘R’ when you’re Googling, “movies of Gary Oldman.”
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, but they stay for the intelligent discourse about Benghazi
I hate starting new relationships . I gotta act like I ain’t crazy for two months.
[coaching little league]
KID: did I do good today,coach
ME: you ate 4 dandelions in the 3rd inning alone, Brayden
idk who needs to hear this but if you ever need to move a lamb over a wall, here u go
me: dave and i go way back. we served together for 8 years
her: oh wow. army? navy?
me: olive garden
*horror movie
“The calls are coming from inside the house!”
“Can you find out from where? I want some chips but I’m too lazy to get up.”
[party]
me: ugh who invited that guy, he’s so childishher: he’s 7 and it’s his birthday
My 4yo said “I’m closing my eyes so I can see better” and I think she has a future in politics
If you listen carefully you can hear the sound of raindrops sighing. Really, you can hear almost anything if you’re high enough.
[taking communion at church]
I’m a recovering alcoholic do you have any actual blood?
Satan: welcome to hell. this is Gary. he’ll be your demon for today.
Demon Gary: hi!
Me: he doesn’t seem so bad.
Demon Gary: *tearing up* why would you say that?
Me: oh, no, I’m sorry, I didn’t–
Satan: jesus, no wonder you ended up here.
I can’t understand a damn word this accent pillow is saying.
[Getting waterboarded]
“Um, sir the subject isn’t responding to interrogation, he’s just getting bigger”
[Me, a sponge]
“MwahahaHAHAHAA”
[Playing House]
Child: You can be the kid and I’ll be Dad.
Me: Bills are due, dinner needs cooked, and your boss needs that presentation done by tomorrow.
Child: …
Me: What?
Child: That doesn’t sound very fun.
Me: Can’t hear you; busy playing Minecraft.
HR: Well?
Me: it was a surprisingly good slingshot
HR:
Me: I didn’t know the eraser would hit him in the eye
HR:
Me: can I have my bra back?
FRIEND: I have a secret *removes human skin to reveal scales* I’m an alien
GUY BESIDE ME: WHAT?! *unzips human costume to reveal a different alien species*
BARISTA: *removes facemask* for frig sakes!ME: *stays in the corner eating donuts, clearly amused*
When your man makes a valid point
Asteroid the size of two Newfoundland Dogs or five Goldendoodles or 12 Corgis or 27 Chihuahuas strikes earth off the coast of Iceland.
A few days ago, the girls down the street knocked on our door and asked “is Nerys in?”, so I called her and she came out to see them. For the first time in my life I felt like a real dad.
Nerys is a dachshund.
I’m at the age where my mind firmly believes I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12 and my body possibly died in the Civil War.
Cat burglar: Quietly steals all your valuables
Dog burglar: Eats your ham, sleeps in bed with you for awhile, wakes you up to go out at 3am