Sure I’ve got problems like everyone else but not enough to start a podcast.
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[at the ballet]
“Their feet must be killing them. Why don’t they just hire taller ballerinas?”
Medusa: oh hello I’d like to make a hair appointment please
pet shop: please stop calling us
imagine if bumblebees made full-volume harley davidson noises. this is the only thing that could possibly improve them
me: [deadlifting 200 lbs]
mortician: sir
Christmas movie innkeepers play fast and loose with their unattended candles.
When I was little, I did not care about things like what to wear. My parents dressed me.
Looking back at some of my old pictures, it’s obvious my parents didn’t care either.
*splashes water on my face*
*looks up, squinting into the mirror in front of me*
My socks are now soaked. They don’t mention that in the
Neutrogena commercials.
My yogurt just moved. Paranormal activia.
6: Dad, what’s the biggest thing in the world?
Me: Uh
6: Nevermind, Siri…
Woke up screaming this morning. My apologies to everyone in the meeting.
My girlfriend is so crazy she even traced down the girl who once kissed me in kindergarten.
Hotel garbage cans are way too small.
How the hell am I supposed to fit my 8 take out containers, 5 empty bottles of wine, and cake tin in there?!
So that old avocado in the fruit bowl was actually a rolled up green sock & now I’m freaking out because I’ve already served the guacamole.
How it started How it’s going
When the devil buys your soul he makes you sign a contract because even though he is pure evil he has an unshakable respect for tort law.
You guys know monogamy is NOT a type of wood, right?!?
It has come to my attention that some of you don’t know my English teacher in high school was my own father, on the first day of classes he said “I want you all to know I’m only sleeping with one (1) of your mothers” this is my villain origin story
[laser tag]
Instructor: Dude, you’re not gonna run out of ammo
Me [strapping bayonet to the end of gun]: let’s just agree to disagree
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish
ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.
Whenever my friends make drunk plans for brunch, I always feel like a shark tank judge. I’m like “You have no real plan, I’ve seen this idea fall apart before, and I know for a fact that you don’t have the money. For these reasons, I am out.”
Two mushrooms in a forest.
One says: “Hi, how are you?”
The other replies: “Shut up, mushrooms can’t talk!”
#RubbishJokes #WednesdayVibe
If biscuits were slimming and contained every nutrient the human body needs, I’d be in terrific shape.
I packed workout clothes and nutritious snacks for a vacation and my suitcase can’t stop laughing
me: they’re having a special, buy 3 dvds get 1 free
wife: so why do you have 4 space jam’s?
me: …because it’s buy 3 get 1 free
If you want to rob a white person, just say: “Stop, collaborate, and listen,” then steal their stuff while they rap the rest of the song.
Siri says she is sorry but I’m not sure she means it
Matthew 28, John 20. Luke 24, Mark 21. That means Matthew and Luke will meet in the finals.
you heard me, make the middle of my dress look like a slice of pizza
Pretty upsetting that gummy worms are actual size but gummy bears are not.