[I open my lunchbox at work to find an apple]
“But that means…”
[Cut to Isaac Newton in 1666, jumping up from under a tree while wiping cold spaghetti out of his eyes]
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My teenager just stuck one of her AirPods in my ear and Eminem was playing. She looked me dead in the eye, as if I haven’t blasted this a million times, and had the audacity to ask, “isn’t he good?””
Just found an egg in my armpit. These kids are getting better and better at hiding them every year.
How about a bird that ruins people’s lives
-God creating roosters
[leaves note on windshield after accidentally hitting your car]
DECEPTICONS DID THIS
Have a headache? Eating a carrot can help if you take a Advil after it
Feeling sad because my hamster died… Well he’s not ‘technically’ dead yet, but I ran out of food so it’s really just a matter of days.
Good news, I don’t have the virus. Bad news, I can still taste my cooking.
[In a meeting]
Chad: You look tired this morning, Liz.
Liz: *glares*
Me: *whispers* nobody can help you now, Chad.
*10 min after I eat red vines licorice*
My 5-year-old: I smell candy on your breath. Where is it?
Here I was walking around having a good day when suddenly my 10yo asks ‘isn’t it weird that out of all the multiverses we live in the one where Spider-Man is a fictional character?’
Doctor: I need to draw some blood
Me *hands him a red crayon* haha
Doctor *stabs it in my arm* haha
DATING TIP: Pick up the check. Pick up the table. Pick up the chairs and the waitress and the bartender. Everyone loves upper body strength.
*Emerging from a ten year coma*
Dad: Well look who finally got up
My daughter has started a fun new game where she tries to guess my age with random numbers like 72 or 94. So fun.
If you encounter a bear DON’T RUN. Maintain eye contact. Keep maintaining it. Fall in love. Marry the bear. Tell story to your grandbearbies
Go suck an egg. Lick a mango. Breathe on an avocado. Make everyone at the grocery store uncomfortable.
Good for him😉🤣😉🤣😉🤣
the guy at Subway just put Cheetos on my sandwich. can’t tell if he’s stoned, or he knows that I am
California can go years without rain. My moving days? Pouring
*Do you wish to send?
*Are you sure?
*For real?
*Have you been drinking?
*Really?
*What time is it?~How my send button should function
I’m sorry for the things I said when you opened a new gallon of milk when there was one already open
Can’t believe New Zealand are introducing a new flag just as I finished memorising the old one.
“And now we wait.” —me when I dislike someone before my friends do.
2035: EVERY CELEBRITY HAS EXPRESSED AN AWFUL OPINION. THE ONLY ENTERTAINMENT IS A SMALL CAT…UNTIL ONE DAY, IT CLEARLY MEOWS “HITLER”
[Jesus at the bar]
“Oh, I’ll just have a water”
*winks at camera*
Why do meteors always land in craters?
My 4 yr old niece is on the hyper side so my brother-in-law was trying to teach her about behaving and said “little girls are made of sugar and spice and what else?” and in her best batman voice she replied, “BLOOD AND BONES.”
Me: WHY DID YOU EVEN COME HERE IF YOU DIDN’T WANT TO BE WITH ME!!
Him: Ma’am please just take your pizza.
Work in IT. Spend most days in server room doing “urgent security patches”. I have a gaming pc in there disguised as a server and I just play games all day. Have done this since 2017. I get praise from my boss for being so hot on security issues. On 50k a year + getting bonuses.