To make up for all the junk I ate over the weekend, I plan to run 86 miles today.
You Might Also Like
I’ll bet when two cannibals get trapped in an elevator going to lunch, around the fifth minute, things start getting a little weird.
dam girl
temp agency: we only have positions for nights available right now
a dragon: i see
What if archeologists just matched the wrong bones and the t-Rex actually had super long arms
3 – DAD! HEY DAD!
Me: Don’t yell from the door son! Walk here and talk to me
3 – *walks over*
3 – I stepped in dog poop, what should I do?
Despite what they tell you, my kids love playing the games I make up, like “where did mommy put her keys this time” and “who can spot mommy’s cell phone”
An older couple saw me open my wife’s car door for her and came over to compliment me.
Moral of the story: old people are nosy.
If you’ve ever wanted to change up your name, now’s the time. New name, add a name, doesn’t matter. When you go back to work, it’ll be all Yeah, Tom, I’m pretty sure my last name’s always been Twizzlers.
*jazz hands*
Why didn’t they just call Thanksgiving ‘The Nightmare Before Christmas’?
Confuse people by affixing “but not necessarily at this juncture” to the end of each sentence.
[looking at my pill caddy]
My wife: Are these… M&M’s?
Me: I take the peanut butter ones right before bed
*Stays in interrogation room after being told I’m free to leave anytime*
-Y’all have excellent wifi here. Can I possibly get more coffee?
Doctor: Was it all fun and games?
Me [missing an eye]: Yah, up to a point
[elementary school]
BULLY: gimme your lunch money
ME: no
B: *grabs me by shirt* I said give it
M: ok but this has to stop I’m your teacher
I cannot remain silent any longer. It hurts my feelings when Wordle hits me with the “phew” when I get it on the last try.
Wait is Venmo down too?? Venmo me I’m curious
When my 2 y.o. throws a temper tantrum, I suddenly don’t feel so bad about leaving her with massive national debt & a destroyed environment.
I drive an extra five miles on my way home from work so I can access my mailbox from the drivers side.
My dad only says I love you on special occasions like birthdays, holidays, and competency hearings.
You guys realize St. Valentine was beheaded, right?
He died doing what he loved
smelling things underwater
Today is the first day of the rest of your life and you’ve already screwed it up.
4: Mommy, do I look like a taco?
(I pause, consider the question and remind myself I’m dealing with a highly irrational creature)
Me: Do you want to look like a taco?
4: Yes!
Me: You look exactly like a taco.
[eyeing a beautiful woman]
ME: mmmm I love tight yoga pants
HER: they look terrible on you
I’m still upset that my parents didn’t support my dream of becoming an assassin.
The most valuable thing I have taught my kid is to answer the door for me and immediately tell the person that mommy is busy while I’m hiding around the corner.
I come from a long line of over-achievers, and I’ve put a stop to that nonsense.
If I don’t duck my head when I drive into the parking garage what’s gonna keep my car from hitting the ceiling?
When you kidnap a writer.