My husband’s favorite snack while we watch tv is whatever makes the most noise, apparently.
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‘It’s finally happened,’ I say as my handwriting deteriorates to the point where I can’t read it. ‘I’ve become a doctor.’
If I was on the Titanic I would have told the captain “Do not hit that iceberg,” saving millions in the process
I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color
My dog just winked at me, and now I’m wondering just exactly what the two of us are keeping from the rest of the family.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
The dead guy in my trunk?
Cop: Um, speeding, but my shift’s over, so proper burial and no more murders. Ok?
Dad, I’m dating this pillow. It’s called Melanie
“You could do better than this”
You know I’m not good with women
“I was talking to Melanie”
[buys plastic lightsabers for the kids]
5-year-old daughter: Mine is broken.
Me: What’s wrong with it?
5: It doesn’t even cut off arms.
leonardo dicaprio would have won 8 oscars by now if he was named after one of the cooler turtles
I remember Daddy told me fairy tales can come true so any time an old lady offers me an apple or cookie I kill her and bury her in the woods
[gets down on 1 knee]
Babe will you–
“Yeah… Here it is”
[she lends me her phone charger]
Thanks
Parents: It’s unfair to put your toddler on a leash if you’re not going to also let them pee next to parked cars.
It’s not a beard, it’s an animal I’ve trained to sit very still.
“Apart from diet and exercise, anything else I should change, doctor?”
“Again, *wheeling me into surgery* the main thing is the bear fighting.”
I know I couldn’t handle being in a position of power because when I’m the banker in Monopoly I steal money
going into to sephora and putting some lipstick on my collar to make my gf jealous
The most embarrassing moment of my life was when I called my teacher “mom” during sex.
Parenting a 3yo is basically a series of non stop negotiations.
Me: We have to leave the playground so we can do two more things.
3yo: no five more things!
Me: no, one more thing.
3yo: yay one more thing!
Bless their stupid little hearts.
You had me at “Bathes regularly”.
Two Ways Sharks Can Die:
1. if they stop swimming
2. if they accidentally eat a grenade
if you happen to be a shark, pls keep swimming and try to not eat any grenades. thank you
Wife: I think my husband is spying on me.
Friend: You’re probably overreacting.
Me: *dressed as a bartender* Can I get you ladies a drink?
Nursing school doesn’t prepare you for the number of elderly patients who will casually confess to decades-old murders.
I made a Tinder account for 1st time ever today for some blog research and it’s going pretty well.
America: OH MY GOD. Some guy got shot in Ferguson.
World: We’re kinda busy with the 191,000 deaths from the Syrian Civil War
If Trump wins the presidency, you know who’s gonna be the most excited about buildin’ a Southern border fence? Canada.
Tea without sugar isn’t “unsweetened tea”.
It’s. Just. Tea.
This chic on Facebook said she ran 17 miles yesterday. Where I live the police would have gave up after like, IDK, 6 miles maybe.
Cleanliness is next to godliness in a dictionary missing some stuff
You know that button in the elevator with the fireman´s hat on it.
Turns out that is not the button you press to get a fireman´s hat.
And for my next trick I’ll be pulling the rug from under your feet
~Life