“Do you want to play doctors and nurses?”
*flirty giggle* “ok…”
“I’m a specialist. The earliest I can see you is May next year”
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I’m trying to beat the world record for most cat paintings done in one night. The current record holder is George W. Bush, who did 911.
“To the window, to the wall” – me directing the carpet layers
Him: I’m an dog person
Me: *excited* So like, a werewolf?
Ugh why is my bag so heavy? *goes through bag* ok keys, wallet, book, sandwich, water, anvil, other sandwich, human baby, no I need all this
LEAVE ME ALONE GRANDMA I’M ENTERTAINING LITERALLY TENS OF PEOPLE ON THE INTERNET
I love the Olympics, but missing Dateline due to the Olympics sucks. One of these athletes better end up being a serial killer or something.
Judge: I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation
Me: *floating*
Keep your friends close and that one chick with a great beachfront condo closer.
The downside of having moles on my body is that my wife loves playing Whack-a-Mole.
My grandparents just gave me a mint condition GameCube as a surprise because they know I love video games. They think it’s new 😂🥺
using only lowercase letters so everyone knows my stance on capitalism
It’s that time between Christmas and New Years when the fridge is still packed but with random Christmas items so get ready for a casserole of figs, garlic stuffed olives, pineapple jam, and King’s Hawaiian rolls.
There is no life on earth without water.
Because without water, there is no coffee.
And without coffee, I’ll kill you all.
Me: oh the usual- just shedding some skin cells and still fascinated with champagne bubbles and tree bark.
Friend: why can’t you ever just say “fine thanks”?
I finally ordered Life Alert. I’m not old I just do a lot of stupid shit
I don’t think my wife realizes that the FREE SEX coupons I gave her last Valentine’s Day are about to expire.
Just sold my homing pigeon on eBay for the 22nd time.
Just how hairy was the person who invented a shampoo called Head & Shoulders?
I saw Van Gogh’s “Starry Night” hanging in a trailer I went in today, but I couldn’t get up the nerve to ask if it was the original or a print.
Onion rings.
What sounds do other vegetables make?
It’s fun to chant “Bloody Mary” three times into your car’s side mirror while driving at night and watch her jog to keep up
Shhhhh! I can’t hear about how God spoke to you! I’m busy listening to my toaster tell me about his day.
Crossfit is the healthiest way to get rid of your friends.
It turns out that the Circle of Life doesn’t mean a donut, I’m so confused.
store clerk: it works exactly like a roomba but it’s a mower
me: excellent [opening wallet] I would LOVE shorter carpet
When cooking for a date for the first time I use plenty of garlic so we can get the whole “vampire/not a vampire” question out of the way.
just had a really bad argument with some guy I invented in my head
Friend: What time is it?
Me: (pulls out phone, checks Twitter and Facebook notifications, puts phone away)
Friend: Well?
Me: Well what?
Pre-employment drug tests are misleading, I didn’t get to try any of them.
“I’ll take you for a walk when I’m damn well good and ready!” I say to my dog, defiantly putting on my coat, hat, gloves and scarf while grabbing her leash.