Indiana Jones & The Wait What They’re Making Another One
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I just fell over putting on my underpants. Vengeance most surely will not be mine.
Perhaps you could be persuaded to look the other way, Officer.
My kids won’t stop fighting over a balloon in case you’re looking to pinpoint the beginning of my supervillain origin story
Made the mistake of laughing at something my 7yo said and thus entered into a 72-hour hell spiral of listening to him repeat the same joke over and over and over and over…
Just heard local reports of a stalker, which is funny because I watch everyone through their windows and none of them look suspicious
The true irony in Taylor Swift singing about feeling 22 at age 23 is that I want to hit her in the face with a cast iron skillet.
kids will lie to you then straight up tell you they were joking like no my dude jokes have a punchline not a line of ants coming from a kool-aid puddle
* kids arguing loudly about which one of them is my favorite *
– dog & I exchange knowing glances and wink as I slip him another treat
[Michael Cera being repeatedly asked by a librarian to speak up]
Joe, keep that beat nice and loose. Sam, take that bass for a walk. Ray I slept with your mom AND A ONE AND A TWO AND A
The only Plato I care about is a big Plato spaghetti
If I win Powerball, I’m having at least six of you killed. Four of you know who you are. I think the other two will be very surprised.
sorry not a big fan what other vegetables do you have on the cob
Chances of my kid no longer liking their ‘favourite’ snack the day after I bought the Costco size box of it? 210%
If you’re a helicopter pilot and you don’t keep a ‘flying for dummies’ book in your cockpit, you’re missing a great opportunity for a giggle
I enjoy driving because it combines my desire to sit with my talent for being angry.
A man is not really successful until he has a beer fridge in the garage. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.
Maybe it’s just the alcohol talking but I think I found the secret to ventriloquism
Veteran Parent Tip:
Buying a bullhorn to loudly announce from your car, “Your Uber driver has arrived!” gives you a 73% greater chance of your teens no longer making you wait when picking them up from a friend’s house
(business meeting)
*drops pen on the floor*
*bends over to pick it up*
*shirt comes untucked*
*all the jelly beans start falling out*
Did you just call me a boombox? Eugh that’s such a stereotype
When it comes to eating sandwiches, I am the anticrust.
I started an argument in a Yahoo! chat room back in 1999 that is still going on.
HER: what’s your sign?
ME: i’m an asparagus
HER: you mean aquarius
ME: omg whatever, you’re such a caprisun
“I hope this makes them name a radioactive turtle after me” Michelangelo thought as he painted the Sistine Chapel “that would be hella rad”
I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 715
I can see how that would be whiskey.
Do you have to wine about it though?
if you’re on the nice list santa brings you the expensive bird seed
Sports bra is so tight my cleavage starts at my chin
Most people don’t know this, but the North only won the Civil War because the South got half an inch of snow and they lost their damn minds.