Whenever someone calls me, instead of texting, I just assume they’ve had a horrific accident and have lost the use of their fingers & thumbs
You Might Also Like
At least broken people are interesting. You can’t fix boring.
[doc walks in holding up my X-rays with one hand & giving a thumbs down with the other]
Bad news, pal. You’re a skeleton.
modern restaurant names either tell you everything about them or nothing. It’s either ‘meat and bread’ or it’s ‘effervescent’ but either way you’re paying $16 for a cocktail
Don’t be ashamed of who you are.
That’s your parents job.
I am less the girl you take home to meet your mother and more the girl you take to meet your psychiatrist.
I’m going to stay off my phone today and clean my house.
Narrator: She stayed off her phone for 25 minutes and cleaned off the couch to nap.
Me: Sleeps three hours.
Brain: That’ll do.
I get my Kung Fu skills from taking off a sweaty sports bra after a workout.
An atheist, a vegan, a libertarian, and a BMW owner walk into a bar…
I only know because they told everyone in the bar within 2 minutes.
LADIES, imagine this.
It’s 15 years from now. Your son is playing pee-wee football. Your husband has been working with him all summer. Your little girl is cheering on her big brother at the fence. The coach benches him and puts in a golden retriever.
Spent 10 mins trying to get into my car today…finally the door opened when the person who actually owned the car unlocked it.
Walking around Houston airport taking iPads from unattended kids. I have 4 so far.
How inappropriate is it to ask a stranger to scratch your back? Need to know ten minutes ago.
Her: I like a guy who’s mechanically inclined
Me: *tilts my chair back all the way*
Her: no, I mean good with cars
Me: *hits play on the movie Cars*
One pretty important part of being a dad is walking faster than the rest of your family through an airport.
Me: Breakfast!
Son: YOU made it?
Me: Yup.
Son: What is it?
Me: An omelet.
Son: It’s…um… crunchy.
Me: NEXT TIME PICK UP YOUR LEGOS.
Simba, everything the light touches is our kingdom
“wat abot that shadowy place. by 5pm it wil be in the sun”
..who told you about science
One day she says “Treat me like a princess,” the next she’s pissed that I married her off in exchange for an alliance with Spain. Women…
“Baby got Baaaa” -Sheep mix a lot
*does that thing*
Friend: let’s do that thing again next month!!!
Me: yes, great idea! That thing is brilliant!!!
*three weeks later*
Friend: we still good for that thing next week?!!
Me: yes I’m really looking forward to that thing!!!
*day of that thing*
Me: oh no
Finding out that the majority of microplastics come from tire dust should be a call to rethink our push for electric cars, and consider the environment-friendly potential of moving castles
I sure hope the family likes these Slim Jim burritos.
If you’re worried that you added too much cheese to the recipe I am here to reassure you that you did not
this is going to be a tight week. is stealing still wrong and stuff?
Bruce Willis is never content with how hard he dies.
TV ANNOUNCER: Up next, the Masked Singer.
CDC: Good.
Me: Damn dog is under the covers again!
Wife: No she’s not. She’s next to the bed.
Me: Oh.
Wife: …
Me: Might be time to shave your legs.
Which burns more calories? Putting on a wet swim suit or wrestling a sports bra?
Netflix and you sit over there.
I would like to think money won’t change me, but I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket and immediately bought name brand aluminum foil.