No, YOU’RE the one who had an itch on your chest, reached in your shirt to scratch it and pulled out a limp dryer sheet.
Certainly wasn’t me.
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Me: *mouth full* These instant mashed potatoes your sister sent us are awful
Him: Those are my mom’s ashes!
Me: *adding salt* That makes more sense
The most important aspect of opening a Chinese restaurant is hiring a good chicken to fry the rice.
Friend w/o kids: I’m planning a meditation retreat next month.
Me: One of my kids has been shaking a metal tin full of coins FOR AN HOUR.
waiter: i’m sorry sir, but your card has been declined
me: run it again
waiter: i ran it three times
me: *to my date* omg this is so embarrassing. do you mind taking care of it?
her: no problem! *grabs waiter by the collar and pulls him close* he said run it again
WIFE: That won’t work
ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?
I laughed and my gum shot out of my mouth, but I caught it with my hand and my lightning reflexes, so….be a cooler idiot
are they though??
So she was like, “Put on some protection”. I then pulled out & wore a yellow construction hat. We laughed & laughed & now I have herpes.
13-year-old: I need cool clothes.
Me: I think your clothes now are pretty cool.
13: That’s the problem
If you ever wondered how long it takes for an over-heated microwave burrito to cool off, the answer is 37 days.
To hairstylist: [makes series of incomprehensible gestures around my head shape] so exactly that or I’ll cry
“Okay Nancy, try it now.”
People who like to ask, “What do you like to do for fun?” are the reason I carry an air horn in my purse.
Gym receptionist: Would you like a towel?
Me: *puts down rack of ribs and licks fingers* Sure!
my friend got banned from this bar so she waited like a year and started going back everyday like nothing happened and the other day the bar tender looked at her and was like “you look so much like this crazy girl we had to ban a while back”
My ex is on Facebook saying how much he misses travelling, like he ever went further than the pub
Grandpa: Music today is terrible
Me: Here, try this *hands him iPod*
Grandpa: Fine *slides iPod into tape deck*
My retirement plan is to buy several red polo shirts & anytime I need anything, go steal it from Target
Now wait a minute- 😭😭😭
If I ever found a unicorn it would probably only be about 5 minutes before I put it’s horn in my mouth.
We can land a rover on freakin Mars but still no single-button to push for the
¯_(ツ)_/¯ emoji
Once upon a time, mummy took 3 kids, 2 scooters, a buggy & a bike to the park then one kid fell off the bike, one fell off the scooter & one needed to poop and mummy had to push the buggy while carrying 3 kids, 2 scooters & a bike and they all cried all the way home the end
Wife: you’re drunk
Me: no’m not
Wife: I’M JUST A POOR BOY NOBODY LOVES ME
Me: HE JURSTA PRO BROY FUMMA FLOOR FLAMLEE
Wife:
Me: ok lil bit
Gravy boat.
Gravy boat.
All the dishes are on my son’s bedroom floor so I’m drinking coffee from a GRAVY BOAT!
There’s no such thing as detoxing your body, but enjoy spending three hundred bucks on your diarrhea.
Marriage is a lot of why are you looking at me like that?
The Vatican just deleted all the Pope’s tweets. Because NO ONE denies reality like the Catholic Church.
[Spider-Man shows up at my house]
*I carefully scoop him up on a piece of paper and release him outside my door*
If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.
STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it