No wine. No peace.
Know wine. Know peace.
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Reporter: He was strangled by a loved one
My Murderer: Whoa, love is a strong word
Don’t put all your eggs in one sandwich.
Good Cop: just give us one name, and we can protect you
Passive Agressive Email Cop: Thank you in advance
him: almost every joke has been told before. gotta be creative with delivery
me: gotcha
[later]
me, in fancy dress: *rings his doorbell holding a pizza*
[interrogation]
COP: So you play the tuba do ya?
“No, the violin”
COP: Treble maker eh?
It has come to my attention that at this time last year I may have dared 2018 to “come at me,” and it did.
Dear 2019: I don’t want to cause any trouble. Please put down that broken bottle so we can get along.
As soon as I’m in my room, I take off my pants. That’s probably why I wasn’t allowed to be home when the realtor was showing my house.
“let’s put computers and keyboards in our cars. now let’s go catch all the people typing on tiny keyboards in their cars” – cops
dentist: the guy in the waiting room says your mother is ugly
patient: he doesn’t even know my mom
dentist: maybe you should punch him in the teeth
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUTI like big buts.
I can not lie.
A haunted house but for your spouse and lurking behind every corner is a larger and larger Amazon box.
My buddy wants to join Twitter because he’s tired of all the people fighting on Facebook, should I tell him.
Always amazed when I see people slip guns into the back of their pants. How is that comfortable? How do you not get a weapon wedgie?
SON: Is it true trees kill more people than wild animals do?
[tree hiding in broom closet tenses up]
DAD: Nonsense.
[tree sighs in relief]
You think you have problems, I used a toothpick to get a toothpick out of my teeth this morning.
thanks for your constructive criticism! i hated it and will be telling my mom about this
Plot twist, I pay you to see my premium creative content?
Why do football players only dance when good shit happens? Just once I wanna see a QB throw an interception & do a sad, interpretive dance.
You have to question the modus operandi of people who use Latin for no reason.
My husband and I often laugh about how competitive we are, but I laugh more.
I just ate what I thought was a feta cheese crumble from my salad off my shirt. Turns out it was deodorant. So how’s your day going?
They say money talks, but mine barely gets a chance to introduce itself before it’s gone.
every once in a while one of these nerds really swings for the fences
[tv, watching a gymnast eat it on the vault]
Me (tripped over a slipper in the dark once): I know exactly how she feels.
Peacock: *spreads feathers at me*
Husband: It’s trying to attract you as a mate
Me: *shyly lifts top*
Husband: no
nobody is putting drugs in your kids halloween candy. tell them to get jobs and buy their own.
[After reading vows]
Me: Why are you upset?
Her:
Me: Was it the Donald-
Her: Yes, it was the Donald Duck voice.
The cool thing about driving 15 mph in a school zone is that it makes it so much easier to text.
Who needs expensive lip plumpers when your toddler can hit you in the face with a toy train for free?