Having a kid means knowing when she asks to watch Mr. Handsome, she means The Little Mermaid.
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If we’re talking & I start running my nails up & down your arm, I either really like you, or I’m looking for an artery close to the surface.
*sees cars lined up outside church*
wife: Is that a funeral or a wedding?
me: What’s the difference?
Me: well that didn’t age well
My Mirror:
I had bottomless mimosas yesterday and got way too drunk and just found out I got kicked out a bar called mollys because I asked our bartender four times if she was Molly. Not Molly, if you see this, I’m sorry.
Watching married couples argue in Bed Bath & Beyond is my Game of Thrones.
That awkward laugh when they’ve said something innocuous, but you’re thinking something incredibly dirty.
A dating app for yoga enthusiasts called Get Bent
crazy how anything you buy with a credit card you just get to have for free
i am going as a ‘credit card’ to this halloween party, cause i plan on being used irresponsibly.
Murder is like cilantro. You either love it. Or it tastes like soap.
*1st dinner date*
Me: waiter, can I get the bill-
Her: I love sophisticated guys
Me: I mean *coughs* waiter can I get the… william?
Dog: *Asleep
Dog: *Totally sleeping fam
Dog: *Don’t worry bout me
Dog: *Down for the night
Me: *Gets comfy in bed
Dog: *I gotta pee yo
My parents have been together for 40 years, and I don’t even like seeing the same cashier twice in a row at the grocery store.
“Lol dead” is not acceptable for a eulogy, I know this now
Crucifixion art is so depressing. Every time I look at Jesus, I can’t help thinking…I’ll never have abs like that.
I lost the birth video of my son so I’m at the labour ward hoping to recreate it. I’ll just zoom in close so my wife won’t be able to tell.
Me: I was watching Sixth Sense when my house got burgled
Cop: Ok tell me everything that happened
[10 mins later]
Cop: holy shit he was dead the whole time?!
If watermelon exist why doesn’t earthmelon,firemelon and airmelon? The elemelons.
me: babe theres a surprise for you under the christmas tree
my cat: *whispering* and also within
how to market bottled water to dads
“Let’s go round and introduce ourselves”
#SixWordHorror
Disease doesn’t care if you are a celebrity, Micheal J. Fox has battled Parkinson for 22 years, and Jamie Lee Curtis is super irregular!
I’ve been trying to open this grocery store produce bag for thirteen years.
Tell my story.
Therapist: Do you have a support system?
Me: I have a lumbar pillow.
Therapist: No, I mean a family, friends?
Me: I have a lumbar pillow.
Spotify should have helpful mental health suggestions like “your top listens are Taylor Swift and true crime, go to therapy”
Going to change my wifi network name to…
Someone Please Help Me
And give this neighborhood something to talk about.
*6 opens piggy bank*
Me: wtf where’d you get all that?
6: mommy said I could take $1 out of your wallet each day bc you’d never know
we tend to look past the fact the happy birthday song was probably written by someone who forgot a gift & came up with that song on the spot
yeah i’d have thought so, he’s a cat
4 out of 5 fire departments recommend I get takeout.