I miss the days when you could talk about a brand and they didn’t talk back.
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Variety is the spice of life, until it comes to shower controls.
wife: Get your hand out of your pants
toddler: Sorry
son: Sorry
me: Sorry
“Honey, have you seen the baby? I haven’t seen the baby since I asked you to throw out the bath wat–OH DEAR GOD!!” – birth of an expression
I carry a stone around to throw at anyone I hear singing Christmas songs before Thanksgiving.
I call it my Jingle Bell Rock.
very few whales can do a kickflip but also very few skateboarders could eat 40 million krill in one day, everyone has their strengths and weaknesses
[blind date]
her: this is nice, i was worried you’d turn out to be weird or something
me: i lost my virginity on a ghost pirate ship
her: ah there it is
$10 says some idiot is gonna hear the word Ebola and think “that’d be a great name for my new baby!”
We’ve all been there…
wife: You’re going to work like that?
me: Yeah, it’s casual day
[20 minutes later]
*calls wife*
me: Can you bring me a shirt?
Me: Why the fake mustache and hat?
Wife: Your text.
M: Huh?
W: It said you wanted to try some “Burt stuff”.
M: Um, Honey-
W: Call me Bandit.
Might start wearing turtlenecks so that when I want someone to stop talking to me, I can just unroll the neck up over my face
Sometimes I say something so embarrassing I even impress myself.
Coffee for people with no kids
Don’t people with bumper stickers realize it takes a t-shirt to change a person’s deeply held beliefs?
[wife who bought regular paper towels instead of the select a size paper towels] what’s wrong? [me trying to clean a small to medium sized spill] nothing
If you’re feeling butterflies in your stomach, go make yourself a sandwich. It’s called being hungry.
One time getting ready to go out to eat my dad told me not to wear jeans with any holes in them and I immediately responded by asking how I was going to put my feet in them and he seriously had a tear build up in one eye.
I once watched a documentary on ferns because the remote was out of reach.
I hope this email finds you-
Waldo: *slams laptop shut* holy fuck that was close
Home is where the heart is, and hopefully it’s where all of the other vital organs reside too.
A life lesson we could all learn from my doggie:
Do NOT pee too close to the cactus.
My kids are running around the house with animal plushies and figurines making the wildest noises, and when I asked what they were playing, they said, “RABIES.” Oh, okay.
[job interview]
Interviewer: “Describe yourself in 2 words.”
Me: “Atinubs. Econsibu.”
Interviewer: “You’re hired. Welcome to CAPTCHA.”
“If that isn’t doing it for you, just give it a little smack. On the bottom. Harder. Little harder. Almost there.”
– The waiter explaining to me how to get ketchup out of the bottle.
I’ve been eating cucumber slices instead of chips and when I close my eyes, I pretend I’m eating something more enjoyable, like broken glass or rusty nails.
Chicago releases 1,000 feral cats to end reputation as rat capital of America
This time of year, I get sick of everyone writing an “X” instead of “Christ”. I think it’s time we all put the Christ back in Christ-box 360
This is literally the best thing I’ve ever seen happen on Twitter
No I will not change my password.
If someone wants this life, they can have it.