Newscaster: In other news, a local man was severely beaten by group of roving youths
*cut to file footage of me prancing around town in a unicorn costume*
Newscaster: Moron, this, at 11
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I just closed a browser tab by accident and yelled noooooo as one of my free articles for the month disappeared into the abyss forever.
If I had to be a dominatrix (not appealing to me) I’d just be like, “Go stand in the corner. Do it!!” then play on my phone for the rest of the session.
Level of high: 7/10
Twitter action film:
MAN 1: Follow me.
MAN 2: On Twitter?
MAN 1: No. Physically, follow me. Or you’ll be killed.
MAN 2: On Twitter?
nurse: time of death
doctor: 4:19—
[i take one last breath]
doctor: it’s still 4:19 you idiot
My theory on why humans are mostly hairless is we harnessed fire and then kept igniting ourselves
Mazda’s marketing slogan is “We Build Mazdas.” They decided on it after rejecting others like: “Mazdas Are Cars” and “Buy Mazdas With Money”
I can’t wait to find out who’s playing Donald Trump in the next season of American Horror Story
This is the way the world ends.
Not with a bang but with a Zoom meeting that never ends due to technical issues.
My kids are so aware that I’m a bad driver that if I start the car before they have their seatbelts on, they cry.
Maid of Honor speeches shouldn’t end with, “I’ll see you all at her next one.” I know that now.
*holding 7 steak knives*
DO I LOOK CRAZY TO YOU
Friend: how do u maintain your boyish glow
Me: [trying to keep down a mouthful of lightning bugs] I wish I could tell u
You’re pretty cocky for someone with such a small…
….vocabulary.
starting to realize that maybe the only reason i go to see movies in theaters is so i dont hav to face my reflection during dimly lit scenes
If uneven eyeliner ever becomes a trend, I am golden.
I yell “COVER ME!” at my family everyday when I go to the mailbox.
Why are the people with the most annoying laughs the ones that find everything hysterical?
Pigeon 1: I really have to go to the toilet mate.
Pigeon 2: Wait a litle dude..i want same thing but we really have to find a really clean car…
Hello Darkness, my old frie- *the lights suddenly turn on* oh it’s like that now?
What did Jay-Z call Beyoncé before they got married?
Feyoncé…
*wakes up*
*looks at clock*
8:00
*brushes teeth*
*looks at clock again*
8:30*gets to work*
*looks at clock*
9:00
*comes out of a 2 hour meeting*
*looks at clock again*
9:05
My wife hates it when I say “You are just like your mother!”
Actually, she hates it when I say *anything* during sex.
thank god
psa: don’t ruin the thanksgiving meal by bringing up politics. ruin the meal by telling your family you don’t know half of them half as well as you should like and like less than half of them half as well as they deserve then vanishing while they try to figure out what you meant
I just found that there’s such a thing as a cheese shop and now I’m changing my vacation plans.
Stops eating carbs and loses 25 pounds in 3 months.
Starts eating carbs and gains 25 pounds in 3 days.
[job int]
“Under skills u put ‘not being afraid of pigeons’.”
[nervously shifts in chair]
“That’s right. Why? Do any pigeons work here?”
Local pub has a new special drink. The house lager infused with nitrous oxide. Yeah. They call it the Brew Haha.
I understand. It’s been nice knowing you.
If anyone finds a twenty dollar bill, it’s mine.
Is it crazy how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how crazy it is?