-Sir we found hot glue in her ears nose and mouth, seems she suffocated.
-Well whoever did this must be pretty….crafty.
-Go to hell sir.
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Get in loser we’re going crying
I noticed you’re eating that bag of popcorn one piece at a time.
So how many people have you murdered?
I find few things more alarming than a toddler with a permanent marker in her hand.
[wife holding credit card statement and yellin down the basement] what’s auto tune?
[me sounding perfect] c’mere baby
#dnd #ttrpg
*carves turkey
*puts candle inside and places it on doorstep
It’s almost September so here’s a list of all the fun things I’ve done this Summer:
1-
2-
3-
4-
5- sweat
Our cruise ship’s movie theater is showing Titanic. That’s a foreshadow, right?
These teams are playing like they know whoever wins goes to the White House
Me: I’m dieting, so just coffee for me
Him: But you put ice cream in your coff-
Me: *glares*
Him: Nothing, you’re doing great.
did you know the official veterinary term for your cat eating something it shouldn’t is “dietary indiscretion” which absolutely sounds like a cat politician trying to downplay its irresponsible past
I think we should hear other voices.
*donates body to science*
Science: “I have a boyfriend”
a fun way to freak out your parents is to tell them you dropped out of college this semester and when they start losing it say you’re just kidding and just when they start to recover tell them you actually dropped out last semester but have that part be true
FRODO: what is it?
SAM: if i take one more step, it’ll be the farthest away from home i’ve ever been
FRODO: *smiles* come on Sam
[literally one step later]
SAM: if i take one more step, it’ll be the farthest away from home i’ve ever been
FRODO: wait no
My kid found my ice cream stash and now I have to eat it all tonight so I don’t have to share it tomorrow – parenting is tough and not for everyone
If zombies eat brains, 90% of Twitter is safe.
Fun prank: replace all your phones with rotary phones and your wifi with a dial-up, then watch your kids move out.
One day, when my kids are grown with their own homes, I’ll come over, grind food into all of their keyboards and lie about it.
I find so much of my wife’s hair in the shower, I stashed some silver bullets in the nightstand. Just in case.
Remember when a blue moon was a rare and romantic thing, and now it’s probably something terrible on Urban Dictionary?
Can’t believe how divided we’ve become over an election. It’s not like it’s the color of a dress or something.
People who use any other buttons on your microwave besides 30 Seconds default one, explain yourselves!
My mother & wife are scared to death of each other, so they both ask me to help word their emails to each other. So, the communication between my mother and wife has *evolved* into me writing emails to myself. They get along great lately. It took me too long to figure this out.
[walking on beach]
[find bottle with message in it]
Message: IS YOUR FRIDGE RUNNING?
[another bottle with message washes against my feet]
Clients after you give them your rates
When you give someone a present, unless you say “open it”, they’re legally not allowed to look inside.
Cop: you failed to obey the stop sign
Me: I got lost in the music
C: what song?
M: I’d rather not say
C: what song?!?
M: I saw the sign
I don’t pluck my unibrow to look good, I do it because McDonald’s sued me for illegal use of the double arches.