How come nobody’s made an anti-depressant called “Les Miserables”?
You Might Also Like
It’s subtle, but if a snail has the zoomies, listen close for a soft little wheeeeeeee!
Raisins are just grapes pretending not to be past their “sell by” date
Me: what should I do?
Dentist: stop eating sugar, drinking coffee and wine, cut back on stress..
Me: right but like realistically
The movie “Up” could never have been filmed today…
Wife: pick a Christmas movie to watch.
Me: Lord of the Rings.
Wife: that’s not a Christmas movie.
Me: then why does it have elves?
Wife:
Me: plus Gandalf looks like Low Carb Santa.
I don’t always make up big words but when I do I make them completely uninformystical.
When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.
If you can tell from my eye contact at the grocery store that I’m inviting you to race shopping carts, you’re my kinda people.
I’m taking myself to the movies this afternoon. I’ll probably hold my own hand and flirt with myself too.
“No please, let me buy the m&m’s. You’re so thin.”
[1st ever peacock to open up his tail]
hey fellas, I dunno what it is, but
i. feel. fantastic.
My cat swallowed a ball of wool a few months ago and just gave birth to a litter of mittens
Most of my exercise comes from getting up to let the cat in and out.
Man: You’ve been very loyal but it’s best we part ways
Dog: I don’t understand. What’s the problem?
Man: Your talking kinda freaks me out.
[turns up radio in the car]
Me: I love this song. I want us to conceive our first child to it
Hitchhiker: dude just drop me off here
9: Where’s mom?
Me: Out the back
9: Australia?
M: Out THE back, not the Outback!
9: What’s she doing?
M: Playing with her didgeridoo, I think
me, welcoming someone into my small home filled with hand me down furniture and the random mess of life living: would you like a tour
person, for some reason: yes
yeah no that’s fair
interviewer: describe yourself in 5 words
me: mathematically challenged
Me: hey squirrel, dnt steal d pigeon’s food, the eggs are about to hatch
S: u stole a cake frm ur roomate
Me:
Me: here, take the eggs too
I wish I was the morning person whichever one of my personalities makes 7am appointments believes I am.
God will never give you more than you can handle, unless you were born in the wrong place or don’t have money. That makes God super mad.
eggs benadryl
They found Richard III’s skeleton in a parking lot. Time stamp on the ticket stub indicates he owes $8,432,773.
Apparently when you donate blood, it has to be YOUR blood.
Good cop: u want a drink?
Good cop 2: I love your shirt
Good cop 3: ur so ripped dude
Good cop 4: the bad cops are striking today, handsome
Welcome to Super Villain University. Please refer to the enclosed packet for a sample course offering:
I hate when fire trucks drive real slow with the siren on. There’s one behind me right now. So annoying.
Being a mother you are always prepared for the unexpected but nothing can prepare you for the strength you will need when your son’s voice begins to change and you have to keep a straight face.
am i supposed to have a separate mouth with which to kiss my mother please advise
[Gameshow]
Host: “You are one question away from our grand prize. How do you feel?”
Me: “With my hands.”
Host: “Correct!”
*crowd goes nuts*