I swear I’m more than a mom. I’m a sweary mom.
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Them: Say something in Japanese!
Me, put on the spot, (In Japanese): Momentarily, the local train bound for Tokyo will arrive on platform 2. Please stand behind the yellow warning line.
Them: Wow! What does it mean?
Me: It’s an ancient Japanese proverb
excusing myself in the middle of a date to go to the bathroom and baby-wipe down my whole body. to keep it weird.
[driving] Goddamn pedestrians
[walking] Goddamn drivers
[both] Goddamn cyclists
little known fact: bill nye is short for william new years eve
“I just bought a kitchen stove, but you know, you can never have too many of those. I should buy one for every room in the house.” -how Amazon believes people think
Don’t make me mad or I will replace all your gummy candies with fiber gummies.
Credit Card Company: Yes sir, I see the bogus charges. We’ll take care of that.
Me: And…the other thing?
Credit Card Company: No sir, just because they tried to steal your identity doesn’t mean they are willing to take your kids.
Nobody’s coming to my pizzarrhea I don’t get it!!!
I tried flirting with my hairdresser today.
I said, “Do you comb hair often?”
Tried a smile yesterday and my white blood cells attacked it.
Just installed the iOS 9 update and I’ve already noticed a significant increase in my phone’s battery life! This is aweso
Cartoons taught me that if you got a bucket rammed onto your head, when you got it off, your head would be shaped like the bucket. Well after this morning I can tell you, that is a total lie
Home alone tonight
The fridge is making weird noises
I think the beer wants out….
Because everyone in Italy is quarantined, the natural wildlife has returned to the water and forests ❤️ We are the virus
Boy, did The Shining nail what it’s like being an only child.
*having an ultrasound*
dr: baby is looking healt…hang on..
patient: omg what!?
dr: there appears to be an intruder in your womb.
patient: intruder?
dr: *yelling at stomach* TURN AROUND HE’S BEHIND YOU
nurse: umm i think she is having twins?
dr: *exhaling* oh thank god.
Rescued a Roomba from eBay and gave it a forever home.
had 2 glasses of wine about to text him “can I ask you something” and then turn my phone off til tomorrow
According to the Chinese zodiac, it’s the year of the dog, or “who’s a good year?!”
I’m shocked every four years when for some reason everyone I know is an Olympics expert. I’ll go to a party and everyone’s like “Brazil’s sailing team is phenomenal this year”
Wife said “these kids are leaving the lights on” so looks like I have some competition in the dad department.
During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, “where should I put my pants”? “Over there by mine”, was not the answer I was expecting.
It took 3 minutes to get my baby out via c-section and yet it takes me a solid 15 minutes to get a toy out of its packaging!?!?
Why am I easier to open than a toy?!?
*seductively eats two tums*
just saw a tiktok of someone saying they’re “never buying garlic again” after they discovered “this hack” and literally planted garlic in their backyard a grew more. brother do u think u just discovered agriculture???
Top prank: when your friend falls asleep, place his hand in a bowl of warm water so he wakes up with one regular hand & one wrinkly one.
Me: Gimme that bread, daddy
Priest: It’s Father
The neighbor kid talks a lot of shit for someone who isn’t allowed to leave the yard.
HER: Did you see the lunar eclipse?
ME: I would miss Jesus Christ himself returning in a cloud of flames if it happened before 7 a.m.