My doctor said I need to eat more greens, so I got myself a pint of mint ice cream.
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I like to think of myself as a guy who doesn’t scare too easily but I just beat the shit out of a motion activated air freshener.
*runs in out of breath*
Friend: what’s going on?
Me: [heavy breathing] bear with me
Friend: Ok *waits*
*bear runs in, also out of breath*
I’m starting to think YouTube hasn’t done a very good job of raising my children.
[lost at sea]
Me: *sees giant shark* yeah, we’re gonna –Movie nerd: NEED A BIGGER BOAT?!
Me: – die.
I’m out here thumping watermelons like someone will murder my entire family if I pick the wrong one.
Judge: “How do you plead?”
Me: [looks at lawyer]
Lawyer: [mouths “not guilty”]
Me: “Hot milky”
FRIEND:
If you could be there for one moment in time that you’ve only read about in books, or seen in pictures, what would it be? I would have liked to be at the signing of the Declaration of Independence. How about you?ME:
Hold on, I’ll show you.
Stop burning bridges. They’re not even good kindling. Just use sticks.
“Money doesn’t grow on trees” is something rich people say so you won’t find their money trees.
[First day as a personal chef]
How do you take your poptart?
RIP boiling water. You will be mist.
are those your eyebrows, or did you headbutt a box of Sharpies
The other day my son asked me who picks up the seeing eye dog’s poop.
If another mom leaves her kids with her husband to meet you out somewhere and you bring your toddler, that is considered an act of war.
It’s gonna be so fun when we all start seeing each other at AA meetings after all of this.
The possibility of there being cake will greatly affect my interest and/or possible involvement.
I like this time of year because I can dig graves in my front yard and people think it’s just a cute Halloween display
[sips martini] *sigh* [sips margarita] Now THIS ONE is delicious!
Waiter: Ma’am, you can’t try drinks on other tables. Please sit down.
I’m getting really good at raising my eyebrow to communicate the concept of “that’s not six foot”.
I learnt it from various women who were communicating a similar message in a very different context.
It’s actually only “Helvetica” if it comes from the Helvetia region of Europe. Otherwise you have to call it “sparkling Arial”
My family asked me what I wanted for Mother’s Day, so I packed their bags and changed the locks.
*wife runs back into our house which is on fire*
What are you doing!?
W: I just want to straighten up a little before the firemen get here
With grape soda comes grape responsibility.
AC/DC will always be on today’s rock and roll stations because they’re literally current.
[house hunting]
Loved that one. Great price & the owner seemed trustworthy
HER: It was next to a sewage plant & he had three eyepatches on
When deescalating an argument with your wife, always use empathetic phrases like “look lady”
I’m gonna be so pissed if I die in the middle of an argument I’m about to win.
[Shipwreck Diary]
Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time
Day 4: nope. I’m fine
[getting car jacked] umm i know i’m supposed to resist and all but if we don’t cooperate we’re both gonna miss McDonalds breakfast so hop in