Sesame Street didn’t prepare me for any of this bullshit.
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This tweet was written by M. Night Shyamalan.
I bet you didn’t see that one coming.
One of my favorite scientific discoveries in recent years is that among domesticated animals, dogs recognize the difference between themselves and people, but cats just think the people who live with them are terrible incompetent cats
My 6 y/o told me the medicine cabinet was our most important cabinet. Outwardly I agreed but inwardly: “no son, the liquor cabinet is”.
People: “I want 2020 to be like the roarin’ twenties!”
Earth: “Alright, infectious disease is spreading.”
People: “No, not like that.”
Earth: “The US stock market is tanking.”
People: “Wait…”
Earth: “LMAO Bars can’t be open anymore.”
Christmas decorating 101 – Puts fake snow on Halloween decorations
Your move Martha Stewart
Pretty sure it’s easier to break a person out of a maximum security prison than break a Barbie doll out of its package.
“Son, you can practice the sex on holes in trees”
“DAD?!”
[next day]
“Where you going with that broom handle?”
“Checkin for squirrels”
i don’t give a shit what you losers think i’m clapping when the plane lands
Pat is about to own someone
“Here comes Paul. We better turn red, fast!”
– every stoplight
Sorry, the dog stood on my keyboard and liked that Instagram photo of you from 47 weeks ago.
CLOSE THE DOOR, YOU’RE LETTING ALL THE WIFI OUT
When I see JUST MARRIED I like to think it means ‘only married’ like there are higher types of commitment but they just settled for marriage
My daughter just asked for nunchucks for her 12th birthday. Have to say, I’m 50% proud, 30% amused and 100% terrified.
[criminal trial]
PROSECUTOR: *gives eloquent, convincing closing argument as to why my client is guilty*
ME: *holds up poster of prosecutor’s entire argument in the spongebob meme format*
JURY: lmao, not guilty
NURSE: *bursts in* Dr., come quick!
DR DOG: CHRIST, JULIE! Don’t you knock?!?
*hides magazine of sexy Labradoodles being sprayed with hoses*
Remember that time you confused a life lesson for a soulmate.
Play Nickleback during my funeral. Because I want everyone who attends to really cry.
imagine breaking a piñata open and a bunch of greek soldiers fall out
you: weird flex but ok
an intellectual: odd gloat but understandable nonetheless
me, a genius: peculiar boast but alas
Any restaurant can be family style if the waiter criticizes your order
You look so comfortable in your own skin. Could I try it on?
The children were nestled
all snug in their beds
until they had to pee
get a drink
show me they can whistle
and ask me if birds have teeth.
Me: do you love me?
Siri: I’m only your assistance.
Me: if you don’t, I will jump off a bridge.
Siri:there are two bridges near you.
People who tell you to get your kids to help don’t understand how kids work
Look on the bright side, parents. At least you have an excuse not to take your kid to Chuck E. Cheese’s now.
[peeing behind a tree]
bonsai artist: I have restrooms
Date: so you were married twice before?
Me: yes
Date: any kids
Me: no they were both adults
Tried to steal some candy from a baby.
I got hit in the face with a rattle and then it puked on me
They lied about how easy that was.
{Police Job Interview}
Captain: Go out & kill 5 Blacks, 3 Mexicans & a kitten.
Recruit: Why kill a kitten?
Captain: You’re hired.