My husband bought a steamer because I don’t iron. I wonder how long it’s going to take him to figure out that I don’t steam?
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I never read Clifford the Big Red Dog, the title gives too much away.
I’m jealous that when an athlete gets injured it makes headlines. I need that kind of attention. “We at ESPN are reporting that Ron stubbed his toe on a table and when he went to look at it he hit his head on the table”
Once upon a time, I’d leave my seat early at a concert or sporting event so I could beat the traffic.
Nowadays, it’s probably because I need to beat the queue for the toilet.
saw a guy at the airport taking a parrot in a cage on board and it’s like bro, why you spending extra money, it can meet you there
You’d think being an introvert is less dangerous, but I just ran across 3 lanes of traffic to avoid interacting with a crossing guard.
Me: Now that I’m an adult, I can eat whatever I want.
Metabolism:
Actually, you don’t need to buy a woman a whole bouquet of kittens. A lot of the time a single long stem kitten is all she really wants.
Me: Honey, have you seen my beer?
Wife: Did you check in the shower?
Me: OOOH!!! Good thinking!
INVENTOR OF GLUE: I bet if we melt that horse we could use it to stick stuff to other stuff.
TIM: Dude…is everything okay at home?
There is “Tea” in Team and I am not sure what I am trying to say here but it’s very inspirational.
Siri, where did I go wrong?
Siri: How long you got?
I yelled at my cat and the other cats yelled at me like wow k pay my mortgage then
I got pulled over for the first time in my life today.
I thought: what would Twitter tell me to do?
I decided against all those options and took the ticket.
Me: Ahh finally, some sleep
My brain: Do saltwater fish get thirsty?
Me: Goddamnit
“Found” a nest of ground bees
and got stung multiple times.But I was able to remove all the stingers.
So yes, my pullout game is strong.
a murderer snaps my neck but my body just slowly starts to turn neon green
Just ghostbustered some flies with the vacuum – hope you idiots like legos
I live in constant fear that my kid will become a famous artist or painter and I will have thrown out about a trillion dollars of her work
He’s making a list, he’s checking it twice, he’s leaving the store, he still forgot milk
Computer: would you like to update?
Me: remind me tomorrow
[tomorrow]
Me: I did not see this coming
PlayStation: Install update?
Me: what update
PlayStation: NOT MUCH DATE, WHAT’S UP WITH YOU?
what do you mean i didn’t reach out i literally thought about you
I pirated a movie yesterday…
I gave it 3.14 stars.
Bully: gimme ur sandwich
Me [pulls knife]
Bully: hey man I don’t want any-
Me: -crusts. i know
I wanna get HAMMERED tonight.
Seriously?
Yeah, drunk as hell, bro.
Riiight. Of course, of course. *quietly slides hammer back into sleeve*
Using the phrase “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger,” only shows that you’re unoriginal and know nothing about spinal cord injuries.
[God creating praying mantis]
Make an insect that does karate
Angel: k
Now make it bite her husband’s head off
Angel: dude we need to talk
Today in my classroom
Me: I almost didn’t come in to work today
Student: oh, where do you work?
My computer crashed and I lost some work in progress but luckily the cloud saved those 57 shots my toddler took of his forehead with my iPad in 2014
My name in Grease would be ChoRizzo.