Those are good neighbors.
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Can you imagine if therapists did an end-of-year wrapped list like:
-cried 79 times
-picked up 5 new coping mechanisms
-made 43 jokes about your trauma
my street gang has been walking down the street snapping our fingers in unison for like 3 days, we all forgot why we were doing it
I got new neighbors today, I hope they like my music as much as the last 9 families did.
#RubbishJokes
Two horses in a field.One says: I’m so hungry I could eat a horse.
The other says: Moo!
GF: I’m leaving you
Me: WHAT? WHY?
GF: You’re too afraid to take risks
Me: [Softening Doritos under a tap before eating them] THATS BULLSHIT
When I miss my parents I put 12 expired salad dressings in my fridge and it feels like home
Don’t rub your happiness in people’s faces this Valentine’s Day. Let the couples enjoy themselves for once.
“I set all the cattle free.”
– Reverse Cowgirl
“Dogs are assholes”
DOG PERSON: YOU’RE an asshole!
“Cats are assholes”
CAT PERSON: Yeah
My favorite farside!!
me: sord
English: sword
me: why
English: because i like it lol
me: that’s not a good anser
English: oh boy ur not gonna be happy about this
Nothing fills an awkward silence like a 10 minute kazoo solo.
Me: [pitching an idea for a comic book] Imagine a superhero whose parents are–get this–alive and well.
Exec: *under breath* whoa
Him: Everything happens for a reason
Me: Tomorrow is yesterday’s bosom
Him: What
Me: Oh, I thought we were doing a thing where we both say dumb shit
*experiencing the extremely obvious consequences of my actions*
The universe is so mysterious
[pet store]
Me: do you have any marmosets?
Clerk: no we don’t sell—
Me: okay, just one marmo then
Walked by a restaurant where they were using iPads for menus. How cheap are iPads now? More importantly, how expensive are menus?
Me: How do Minions wear overalls? They don’t even have shoulders
Therapist: I meant is there anything else bothering you about your marriage
Me: Coke please
Server: Sorry we don’t have Coke. Is vodka ok?
Me: Why yes, yes it is
Seriously though, how do Gremlins know when it’s after midnight?
I started to clean house this evening, but my cat talked me into taking a nap.
Any house is an Airbnb if you’re quiet enough
Checkboxes dating apps /should/ have:
🔲 Willing to sneak snacks into movies
🔲 Good at building blanket forts
🔲 Only sets volume, temp etc. to EVEN numbers
🔲 toilet paper roll goes OVER
🔲 I don’t think the position of the stars when I was born determined my personality
My favourite machine at the gym is the television.
Coworker-have you heard about that diet that works because you only eat 5 bites?
Me- *stuffs entire donut in mouth* nwopefff. fwuckff owfff.
Him: that only took me 90 seconds! New record! HIGH FIVE!
Me:
back in the 80’s, we simply didn’t have the dog technology we do today
Grocery store just charged me $0.10 to offset the environmental impact of my bag and then gave me a paper receipt 3 feet long.
My husband and I had a few cocktails while we were out shopping and don’t remember what we bought the kids. I’m so excited to see what we got them on Christmas morning.
[Job interview]
“You list communication as a strength”Yes
“Care to elaborate?”
No