Learning just enough german words to yell so I can scare my neighbors
You Might Also Like
Sometimes the voices in my head get bullied by the voices in my stomach.
“someone broke into your room… and peed on you while you were asleep”
me: that’s right, officer
If anyone needs an ark, I Noah guy.
My brain: Hahahaha… Sorry, I don’t remember your pin.
My brain, 5 minutes later: Hey, I know you already paid cash but I remember that pin now.
First date:
And if you could slide over a little bit my Mom would like to sit next to you…
Judas: How long are your arms?
Jesus: Why?
Judas: Like in a cross, how long
Jesus: A what?
Judas:Across. How long across.
Some ppl are like, bury me and plant a tree so I live on in nature and I’m like, same but plant potatoes so I can live on in french fries
Silence is golden! Unless you have a toddler, then silence is very, very suspicious.
Me: don’t tell mom where we hid her birthday presents.
3yo: I won’t.
Wife: hey guys.
3yo: mom your birthday presents are definitely not under my bed.
my ex just blocked me on twitter but i’m not gonna text him to ask him why bc i’m mature, i respect his boundaries and also he’s already blocked my number.
[First Date]
Sorry for the mess. My mother said pudding on a condom was important.
*quietly tries to open a bag of chips while son walks around looking for his bag of chips*
I would never yell at my kids. In public. Without a good reason. More than three times in a row. Per child.
Some people smoke cigarettes, drink, post too much on social media…I wait for a windy summer day, find a wedding in a park, show up and release thousands of sheets of paper, tripping after them down the aisle through the crowd wailing “my novel!! my novel!”
I used to accidentally repeat stories to my friends a lot but now I just say “I think I’ve already told you this” and say it again anyway
Every time my kids start whining I get the urge to call my mom and apologize
The symmetry is uncanny.
Oh sure, when my cat brings you a dead animal it’s because she’s giving you a present, but when I do it, I’m a “psychopath.”
I hate it when strangers question me. I’m with my kid, & this lady goes, ‘He’s cute. Who does he look like?’ I’m like, ‘Your husband’
You drink WAY too much, and you have questionable morals . . .
me talking to myself in the mirror before going out at night .
If you haven’t seen one before, may I introduce the Secretary bird.
Dudes named Chance never had one.
Here’s why I’m opposed to pilots being obligated to wear boxing gloves for flights:
-Cost of buying the gloves might be passed on to customers
-Pilot loses gloves? Flight gets delayed
-A passenger wearing boxing gloves could be mistaken for the pilot and ordered to fly the plane
If she shovels shit at the local zoo, then she’s a keeper
no such thing as a dumb question
*Approaches a guy reading “Catch Me If You Can”*
I love that book. The way he just *clenches fist* catches all those freakin’ cans.
Hair Dresser: You could get extensions to add length.
Me: You could stop cutting.
The poorest man can be rich if he gets a bunch of money.
Pediatrician: They’re only getting two hours of screen time a day, right?
Me: HAHAHAHA! I mean, yes.