Guy doing yoga
Me: Poser!
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I dunno who decided on the spelling of bologna, but it’s obvious he had no idea how letters work.
A lady just walked into Taco Bell, dumped every hot sauce packet in her bag and left. I should follow her. What’s the rest of her day like?
[yelling to bartender in crowded nightclub] WHAT KIND OF CAPRI SUN FLAVORS DO YOU HAVE?
Coke Zero sounds like a government pledge to eliminate fizzy drinks by 2030.
If you’re a twin you should have to tell people when you first meet them. By law. I have the right to know if there’s going to be more than one of you running around. What are you trying to pull?
“Aboot a half kilometer up the road.”
“Thank you.”
“Just past the Tim’s on your left.”
“Much appreciated.”
“My pleasure, eh.”
*on first date*
Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?
*checks sons backpack to see how I did on his project*
This Teenage girl gave me attitude today so I called her the “Fattest Skinny person I have ever seen” that should confuse her for a while.
The cat puked all over the bath mat so I just tossed it into the trash can. Then I put the bath mat in the washer.
God: have u gathered 2 of every animal?
Noah: yes
God: including the dinosaurs?
CUT TO: NOAH RUNNING FOR HIS LIFE AFTER TRYING TO CATCH A DINOSAUR
Noah: ….ya
I wore a baggy sweatshirt and leggings to Walmart and before I knew it, I was being wrapped in a blue vest while employees chanted, “One of us! One of us!”
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Girl: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
People keep asking if they can help me by watching my newborn. She doesn’t make me watch cocomelon, leave toys all over the floor, or scream that her brother is looking at the her. Take the older two.
I’m offering a $1,000 reward to anyone who brings me $1,000 and two tacos.
Not to brag but I walked by a group of guys today and heard one of them say “See? That’s why I’m gay.”
[being haunted by the spirit of the man who invented the gif]
*extremely spooky voice* oooo I’m a jhost! Yes, it’s pronounced “jhost”
Every time I watch Bambi I hope it will turn out differently, but I always end up drunk and covered in cool ranch doritos
it’s bullshit that someone made a bowl out of wet dirt 30,000 years ago and now i have to load a dishwasher
You can tell a lot about a person by their reaction when you yell “look out!” while flicking a dinner plate at their head like a frisbee.
I just went grocery shopping so takeout it is.
Made the decision that I’m done having kids. Yet every morning I wake up and there they are asking me for breakfast.
I asked my neighbors to keep it down last night and they were like ma’am- it’s 5pm.
My wife yelled from upstairs and asked, “Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body, like someone’s got a voodoo doll of you and they’re stabbing it?”
I replied “No…”
She responded: “How about now?”
911: Whats ur emergency?
“OMG my neighbours cat is stuck on the roof-”
911: Ma’am, this is an emergency only service-
“-of my sons mouth.”
Dear neighbor who mows his yard early in the morning tomorrow,
I found my bagpipes for tonight.
I don’t believe in killing perfectly healthy Christmas trees for decorative purposes. When I kill a tree, it’s strictly for pleasure.
every 5 year old named Khaleesi is about to get a little brother named Zelenskyy
ME: [blowing on ouchie] That’s better
SURGEON: How did you get in here