Turns out “V for Vendetta” is not an educational movie and it won’t teach your kids the alphabet
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Next time at a public swimming pool just stop, look around & ask yourself: “Is there anyone here that I would want to take a bath with?”
Talking vulture: You dead yet? What about now? OK, I’ll wait.
When a woman asks you to smell something, it usually smells good.
Men on the other hand…
Art teacher: you were supposed to paint a tree
Rorschach: I did
One of the downfalls of sleeping with a fan and then the power going out is your kid asking what that weird noise is and it’s just you breathing normally.
If you watch Jeopardy backwards it’s about 3 idiots who pay a Canadian to answer a bunch of hidden questions.
How do girls remember every word of an argument? I don’t remember what I had for dinner and I’m eating it now
9yo is yelling at 13yo for eating most of the Froot Loops and 13yo is yelling at 9yo for finishing the box and I’m hiding in the breakfast room eating a bowl of Fruity Pebbles and hoping they don’t notice me because I don’t want to share.
Benjamin Button
Started off dead
Violets are blue
Roses are red
14: hey dad- do you know what 9x9x9x9 is?
Me: I’m 40. I don’t need to know that anymore.
You can always win an argument if you set them on fire.
ALIEN: Take me to your leader
ME: [eating pizza with a fork] Bold of you to assume that I’m not the leader
Sir. Your burrito is $5.97. With guacamole, your total comes to $386,932.32
The defense rests your honor.
*camera pans to defendant taking a nap*
Allegedly naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.
Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.
Handy tip: if a bigger dude wants to fight you, immediately start crying so people just think you two are breaking up
9yo: My least favorite letter is “c” because it’s not fair that it can be an “s” or “k” sound.
Me:
9yo:
Me: Can I go back to sleep now?
When a man reaches 50, he starts to realize he’s got only 6 or 7 more Batmans left.
ME: [throws bouquet]
FLORIST: i asked you not to do that
Got home at 2:30AM after traveling from Miami to Los Angeles yesterday. I slept 5 hours, unpacked everything, cleaned our entire house, including washing clothes, towels, and sheets + went grocery shopping.
I will never be this productive again, so I had to tell everyone. 😂
Mosquitoes:
Noah: *eyes narrow*
my daughter brought home a drawing from preschool today and when i asked enthusiastically “honey, did you draw this???” she replied “someone else did but i took it”
When people ask “Are you high right now?”
It’s like asking someone “Are you happy and relaxed right now?” in a concerned voice.
Whenever Im in trouble, I think, What would Jesus do?
Then I pretend to be dead and disappear for 3 days.
bella waking up at the end of breaking dawn part 1
Robin: Your ad says you’re looking for a side chick?
Batman: Sidekick
Robin: Close enough
Be the chaos you wish to see in the world:
I’ve been told in the past that training with cats was difficult. It’s really not. Mine had me trained within a day.
me: *barges into the room*
how dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
DoorDash is great if you like having a sandwich and also 13 emails