A haunted house but for your spouse and lurking behind every corner is a larger and larger Amazon box.
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I don’t eat fast food anymore, but I’ve learned that if you pull in the drive-thru and tell them they forgot to give you napkins, they’ll hook you up, no questions asked.
[After kidnapping]
ME: Don’t worry I have a particular set of skills
..ME [making mice tuxedos] admittedly I don’t know how this will help
a house doesn’t have to be haunted to scare me, I’ve seen the listing prices.
“Okay Nancy, try it now.”
Thanks for explaining my tweet to me I was wondering what I meant
I refuse to clean my house before you arrive because it perpetuates our slavery to capitalism. Just kidding, I’ve vacuumed the attic in case you wanted to see our 15 year old baby gates.
How many court cases have been thrown out because the judge needs a unanimous decision & the jury is made up entirely of dentists
Counted five pregnant women at this Noah matinee. Praying their water doesn’t break.
Me: [sitting on a swing, eating goldfish crackers out of a plastic baggie at the park]
Him: How old is your child?
Me: Child?
If you’re under the age of 25, you have no rights in saying: Back in the day.
You haven’t seen the light of day, kiddo.
Pretty upsetting that this long into the pandemic and some people are still refusing to take their work home with them… Like my children’s nanny
My teenager just got mad at me about something he THINKS his brother MIGHT say to him later.
Children are a blessing.
i know it’s been said a billion times but literally everything about Brendan Fraser is fantastic
“Dear God, make me a bird, so I can…”
*turns into penguin*
“DAMMIT I WASN’T FINISHED!”
Exoskeleton: how a skeleton signs a Valentine’s Day card
Stomach: Every time you eat, we get sick.
Brain: Hmm. I know what would make us feel better.
Stomach: No-
Brain: TAQUITOS!
Me: Yay TAQUITOS!
[Fancy restaurant]
DATE: *seductively* I like a man who knows what he wants
ME: *way too loudly* THERE’S NOT ENOUGH KETCHUP ON MY TATER TOTS
Welcome to your forties! You’re gonna need several doctors, no matter how many apples
My parents wouldn’t buy insect repellent, yet they bought enough Calamine lotion to cover the mosquito bites of an entire neighborhood of children. I didn’t ask why. I just walked around with pink spots for 14 years of my life.
“If you want to lose weight eat in front of a mirror, nude”. Tried it. All I saw was a happy naked woman eating cheese.
Hairless cats look like the devil screwed up a possession.
I wish they had an app that allows you to delete your number from other ppl’s phones.
20’s: I can’t remember where I left my keys
30’s: I can’t remember where I left my car
40’s: I can’t remember where I left my kids
I was dismissed from my responsibilities as church usher because I kept using finger guns to point out available seats.
* pew pew *
Inflation is actually a good thing it means money is going viral
Wife: Why is there a charge for $3,000 to Men’s Warehouse?
Me: I have no idea. Don’t go outside tho
One of my stuffed animals just told me I should get back on my meds, I guess someone doesn’t want to be part of tea party club anymore.
Speak now or ever hold your peace
I take it personally when I let a car cut in front of me and then they immediately get into another lane. Come back you are with me now.