The pig jumped into bed with my 6-year-old all by herself.
It was super cute.
Then the pig threw up all over her.
Considerably less cute.
You Might Also Like
Not tryin’ to brag, but my sex life is like a dormant volcano. It was fiery, but now it’s inactive. Also, I killed a bunch of villagers.
[job int]
“& what are your strengths.”
Me: lions
“Lions?”
Me: I’ll take [lion walks by the office] I- [quietly] I’ll take on any lion
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who just watched someone else push the elevator button
JOURNEY:
🎶Strangers, waiting,🎶
🎶Up and down the boulevard🎶
🎶Their shadows searching in the night!🎶ME: Now, wait just a goshdarn minute. How in the heck can you have shadows at night??
JOURNEY:
🎶Streetlights,🎶
🎶people🎶ME: Ah. Carry on.
Overheard my daughter’s friend on FaceTime telling her Dad to please stop singing because he’s embarrassing her so obviously I did what any Dad would do and finished the chorus for him.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *pressing lion into grill with spatula* tiger
“Shut up or I’ll eat your lunch.” Bad fight script writing or okay parenting? You decide.
its prettey gutsy that u call urself a salad, potato salad
Nothing says, “I have a lot of free time,” more than someone eating a pomegranate.
I just left a pregnancy test box in my brother’s bathroom to mess with him and his new girlfriend.
me: I’ll have the prime rib
waiter: excellent choice sir
me:
waiter: do we really have to do this yet again sir
me: *after sliding to the other side of the table and putting on a blonde wig* oooooh it all looks so good what do you recommend
Age is just a number until your 10yrs younger husband says “your hair today makes you look like Uncle Jesse’s girlfriend” and you think he meant from Dukes of Hazzard but he meant Full House and needless to say he’s now your ex-husband
the fondue…? you mean, my drinking cheese?
I do this really cute thing where I yawn right before my girlfriend kisses me so I almost swallow her face
Everything goes as planned when nothing’s planned.
me: this haunted house is so scary
wife:
me: look at all the spooky witches
wife: we are in a house of mirrors
me: oh no they seem mad
Boss: What’s your five-year goal?
Me: Paid administrative leave.
Banned from IKEA again because I keep asking staff awkward questions about the shelf life of shelves.
My husband gets into the holiday spirit by saying JESUS CHRIST over and over while putting up the Christmas tree.
Internal monologue during wedding vows: *Did she just say ‘resistance is futile’?*
What I thought was happening: a coworker handed me my vape bc I left it laying around
What was actually happening: my coworker was showing me her new vape which neither of us knew looked exactly like mine
What I did: said “oh thanks” and put it in my pocket
I get told that I’m salty, and my mirror tells me I’m mostly fat, so I guess love me since I’m basically bacon.
me: hate mechanics who talk down to me
also me: this guy is perfect
Went on blind date, woke up in bathtub with kidney gone. 6 out of 10, would date again.
I put a message in a bottle and threw it in the Ocean. The note said “I have Tuberculosis and I coughed in this bottle”
What sucks about those little hotel shampoo bottles is there’s no room for the directions so you kind of have to wing it.
No, I can’t come to your wedding. I just realized the remote works through the blanket.
SURGEON: I’m afraid that your Grandma is very critical
ME: Oh no
SURGEON: She *starts to tear up* she said I have a stupid haircut
Started amusing myself in work meetings by adding “No pun intended” after comments I make with absolutely no pun or double meaning in them, then spend the next five minutes watching people’s faces as they are clearly trying to work out what the “pun” was
My kid hasn’t finished her homework but she did call a family meeting to show us the 20 slide presentation she created on why we should get a cat.