If you send me $100, I will send you an audio of me naked saying “Thanks”.
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Love is that feeling you get when you meet someone that makes you forget about all of your problems cuz they’re causing all new problems.
[ first time mugging ]
me: gimme all your mash
him: did..did you just say-
me: mash. omg i did
him: lol
me: started to say money, then cash jumped into my head last second, i’ve never done this before sorry
him: np my dude, take it from the top
me: gimme all your coney ope
Therapist: You’re not really improving
Me: What if we pressed down on my foot and forehead at the same time and did a factory reset?
Therapist:
Me:
Therapist: well it’s worth a try
My wife asked me today if I would ever cheat on her. I replied, “Who else would I cheat on?”
If you live alone and you have pets they don’t know your name
Kidnapper: we have your wife
Me: you sonofa-it was HER turn to take the kids to the park today!
“Clue” is a board game about people trapped in a house and one of them is a homicidal maniac who has just killed. Ages 8 and up.
Me: Do we really have to share my dessert?
Her: Don’t worry, I eat like a bird.
everyone is motivated by something different. for some folks it’s money, for others it’s a paycheck. some people are even motivated by cash hitting their bank account. others do it for the love of getting paid.
Headline: World helium shortage over due to discovery of helium field.
Scientist: (high voice) This new supply of helium is a game-changer
I saw that post about caramelizing onions taking 90 minutes and i just want to know why that person found every onion in the tri-county area and put it in a small cast iron pan
It’s like yeah, guy, if you put eighty onions in a thimble, it’s gonna take a fortnight to caramelize
Ok I just started watching House M.D.:
1 Does everyone gang up and beat House’s other leg?
2 does a rival Token come in to challenge Omar?
The expression “you catch more bees with honey” also could imply that you may get stung by said bees.
Me: If there’s Super Mario then how come regular Mario doesn’t wear glasses?
Therapist: I’m going to increase your medication
Husband: I emptied the dishwasher.
Me: Great work, honey! Maybe you could try it again when it’s clean.
eminem: look, if you only had one shot-
me: I’d ask for more shots
eminem: you can’t… *rubbing bridge of nose* you can’t ask for more shots
I’m pretty sure 2020 came fresh from the Pet Sematary
If you want your friends to stop asking you to work out with them, go once. Show up in leather. Bring your workout cake.
Me: how about if I scrunch down a little more
DMV Photographer: you absolutely cannot have your horse in this picture
I may eat animals, but at least I wait until they’re DEAD.
Plants are ALIVE, vegans.
You disgust me.
Reaction when you try to get out of plans but the person keeps rescheduling so you can make it.
Hear me out: Spray-on wrapping paper.
“He is woke.” – Millenial Easter
The number of kids you have determines how much time you need to get everyone ready to leave the house. One kid, 30 mins, 2 kids, about an hour. 3 kids, the Tuesday before
Meanwhile in Canada…
God: Build me an ark.
Noah: A what?
God *pinching his nose*: A big boat.
Noah *looking around the desert*: A what?
Me to my dog: Stop barking now.
My dog: BUT EVERYTHING IS A FOX!
Me: It’s ok.
Dog: I WILL PROTECT YOU, IDIOT!
help keep the English language alive by teaching your kids nearly outdated expressions
Plus nothing beats a 5yo pointing & yelling “BEHOLD!”
Soooo, if the string breaks off…do you just make yourself sneeze so that it shoots out?
Female cashier: [stares at me]
*rings up tampons*