Fox News: Witnesses are telling us Michael Brown may have charged Officer Darren Wilson atop a dragon, wielding a poison-tipped broadsword
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7 year old neighbor informed me that they weren’t feelin’ my musical tastes this morning, so I’m not feeling giving him a ride anymore
Music is a scam. You can listen to all kinds of other noises for free
I’ll never forget when I posted about graduating medical school and becoming a doctor, and this girl from my hometown just absolutely publicly humbled me.
“dont get conned into spendin our lottery money”
i wont
[calls wife back]
will 2 sharks fit in our pool?
“NO”
ok
[to salesman]
one shark pls
hey maybe ur parents care so much about ur birthday becuase it celebrates how long theyve been able to keep something alive for
Blowing your load on a girl counts as a baby shower right ?
I want to buy a Prius because I plan on driving off of a cliff & I don’t want to make too big of an explosion & kill squirrels or turtles
Everyone’s family
I’d like to apologize…
To anyone I have not offended.
I’ll be with you momentarily.
i love corporate logic because a company will fire an entire newsroom full of award-winning journalists to spare the $500k salary of a guy in a corner office whose title is like Senior Vice President of Bad Decision-Making
DATE: I love heavy metal
ME: [trying to impress] My Dad was crushed by iridium
Good Cop: just give us one name, and we can protect you
Passive Agressive Email Cop: Thank you in advance
me: we named you after our favorite films
paul blart: i hate you
wife: you should be proud of your names
paul blart 2: you’re monsters
They say milk is good for your teeth..you know what else is good for your teeth..minding your own damn buisness
Delivery Instructions: “Please, deliver the pizza like normal, but as you walk back to your car, slowly turn back and say, ‘Hey kid! You did alright out there tonight. Your father would have been proud’.”
THERAPIST: Your notes say that you “scare easily” and are “quite disagreeable”.
ME: *from behind the couch* That’s not true.
You don’t know terror until your kids drive and you’re paying their car insurance.
[meeting]
Bill: we’ll call it BILLOSOPHY
Phil [pulling out briefcase and assembling gun]: Good idea! Steal my board idea now this? Not again
[God Creating]
Lucifer: Make them wake up paralyzed sometimes
G: That sounds horrible
L: People will love it
G: Hm, I trusted you on spiders
Me: You just sat on my glasses.
Husband: *Stands up* What?
Me: While you’re up, can you grab some popcorn?
Falls for it every time.
I didn’t realize that “sow your wild oats” is a metaphor, so I pretty much spent my early twenties farming.
Before you bludgeon to death that drifter who broke into your apartment and passed out on your futon, ask yourself: when did I buy a futon?
The homework is due on Monday.
“Can I get an extension?”
The homework is due on Monday.png
FRIEND: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
INTERNET: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
DOCTORS: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
ME: [trapped & unable to escape from a weighted blanket] Well, I do feel anxious
Missed garbage day today if you’re looking for a bad boy that doesn’t play by the rules
I’ve been on my best behavior ever since the words “you can be charged as an adult” applied to me
me: [holding knife] ok i’m not gonna cry this time
onion: hey remember the end of that movie about the dog
Air conditioners are just human refrigerators
every year i spend $1,000 on a bunch of concert tickets & i say to myself it’s ok because i don’t buy designer bags/shoes. I bet there’s someone out there walking around with a Louis Vuitton bag and Gucci shoes because they justified that they don’t go to concerts.
My coworkers and I pitched in to buy Greece
as a retirement gift for the boss..We decided it was better than a $50 Applebee’s gift card.