If you love someone, let them sleep.
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I pulled a hamstring and a pig fell from the ceiling and gave me a hug
I talk a lot of shit for a girl who can’t function when the sock seam is twisted.
I hate it when I’m trying to discreetly pick a wedgie in public and inadvertently end up doing every dance routine from Spice World.
Assistant: Uh sir? Your personalized jean jacket is very cool but it looks like the store screwed up. It says STAN on the back.
Satan: WHAT
My account was hacked so if you saw some really weird posts or received some strange DMs, those were the ones that were definitely from ME. Anything else was the hackers.
why is everyone concerned about dying alone i don’t even want people to see me eating spaghetti
But my sandwich is so dry!
“Sorry sir, that’s not what we do here at the Mayo Clinic.”
Shout out to the KFC drive-thru attendant who offered me “enough ranch to drown a small child”
What do you call a potato/corn crime fighting duo?
Starchy and Husk
Police Officer: “Turn around!”
Me: *sings* “Every every now and then I get a little bit lonely and you’re never coming round…”
Me: Quick question: Did you ask me to help raise your baby, or help “braise” your baby?
Her: Are you grilling something out back? That smells delicious
Me: Please answer my question first
*driving away from a heist*
guys seriously put your seatbelts on it’s just gonna keep beeping
toothpaste is a big scam. if ur tooth falls out, it stays out. toothpaste Will Not paste it back in.
Aww, you “only wish the best for your exes?” That’s cool, I lie about things too.
So in The Matrix they feed you the liquified remains of the dead through a tube but you get to sleep and be online all day? I’m listening.
SHAKESPEARE: Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
HIM: Sure.
SHAKESPEARE: Oh, wow, didn’t… didn’t think you’d say yes. I actually don’t have anything prepared.
HIM:
SHAKESPEARE:
HIM:
SHAKESPEARE: ur both hot.
“It’s raining men. Hallelujah.”
-The lesser known 11th plague that God sent to the Egyptians
Things I have learned by sliding across the hood of my car:
Either I weigh more than Bo Duke, or they just don’t make em like they used to.
When I say something embarrassing I immediately follow it up with something even more embarrassing so everybody will forget the first one
*BF walks in on me surrounded by dozens of empty Reddi Whip cans*
ARE YOU HUFFING AEROSOL?
Me- *Mouth full of whip cream* –
Yeff
[feels adventurous]
As a kid: *climbs a tree*
As a teen: *dyes hair*
In my 20s: *backpacks thru Europe*
In my 30s: *tries a new TV show*
Here I was walking around having a good day when suddenly my 10yo asks ‘isn’t it weird that out of all the multiverses we live in the one where Spider-Man is a fictional character?’
[stargazing]
“It’s amazing the activity you can pick up with a decent telescope [lowers kaleidoscope] absolutely amazing.”
The cardboard crowds are getting a little Rowdy at the game.
I was bored.
Wait!! There’s a box??? 😂😝
A beautiful summer day, the knee hairs I missed the last 4 times shaving my legs blowing in the breeze from the car’s a/c vent.
Me: I have no choice, there is no other way
*puts voodoo doll of myself on tiny exercise bike*
Them: “can you just be cool for like once, maybe?”
Me: *whips a kazoo out from my pocket protector* “say no more my friend… say no more”
Kids are so dumb u think Santa’s elves made that PS4 yeah right like Sony would ever let that happen learn basic copyright law u lil shits