Date: I like a guy who’s environmentally aware
Me, pointing outside: that’s a cloud
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We’re all in this together. Now, make a human shield, peasants.
I was bitten by a radioactive spider too and all I got was stomped on
“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
I dont get laid nearly enough for someone who can name five different types of pokemon.
Revenge is a dish whose photos I haven’t yet seen on Instagram.
‘I just call it like I see it…’ -People giving their unsolicited opinion about their unsolicited opinions.
Stop saying “There’s plenty of fish in the sea.” I’m sick of fish seducing all our human women!
Me irl
Fruit and urinal give a bad name to cakes everywhere.
Going to change my wifi network name to…
Someone Please Help Me
And give this neighborhood something to talk about.
I could pick up a Prius if there was a pizza trapped under it
My kid told me the book we were reading was fiction, and the reason he knows that is because dragons don’t eat tacos, they eat meat
Don’t you dare stand in my way, that’s my job.
“Only a good guy with a forest fire can prevent forest fires” – Smokey the NRA Bear
Me: Open your mouth, and close your eyes, and get ready for a big surprise.
5yo: Yum! A chocolate chip!
Me: Haha you just ate poison.
5yo: Quick. Give me the antelope!
{Stalker Diary}
Went through his trash.
He buys the generic Fruit Loops. I remain committed. I find his frugalness irresistible.
dogs after you inspect what they have and decide to let them keep it:
I told my date I was depressed. I added, “not like cut my inner thigh depressed, but sleep with you even though I don’t like you depressed.”
Her: …so are you into playing sexy games in bed?
Me: Absolutely…Are you talking Monopoly?
Her:
Me: I’ll be the thimble.
I used to tell a joke about Lot’s wife. Looking back, it wasn’t a great idea.
For my next trick I will bust 8 kneecaps with a single kick.
*steps on a spider*
BILLION DOLLAR IDEA
A giant cinnamon roll that you sleep in, that becomes warm and edible when it’s time to wake up
How to cure a headache
1. Drink a glass of water.
2. Take 10 deep breathes.
3. Give headache your credit card & tell her to go to the mall.
Wife: [watching the news] oh God, did you see Petsmart got robbed?!
Me: [loud barks coming from all 19 pockets of my parachute pants] nope
The joy you get as a parent when you buy a big pizza and garlic bread to share, but they don’t like it! 😍😍
I’m a go getter
And right now I’m a go getter nap
Sorry I was late. I was trying to explain to my son how an octopus has 8 legs but not 8 feet.
I like to take long walks away from stupid people
Me: What do you think about that?
Him: *typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*5 minutes later
K
no caffeine: day 6
-sleeping better
-stable moods
-less anxious
-can’t think straight
-i’m exhausted
-3 people are dead