“What colour would you call this?”
“Fawn”
“What colour would you call this, o wise and beautiful identifier of colours?”
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Grocery shopping in 2004: Clip coupons out of Sunday newspaper to use at checkout.
Grocery shopping in 2024: Clip digital coupons, download the app, scan QR code, enter rewards member number, password and the FBI nuclear launch codes at self-checkout to save 50 cents on bananas.
Me: “Can I buy you a drink?”
Her: “I have a boyfriend.”
Me to barman: “A beer for me and a ‘I have a boyfriend’ for the lady.”
Guy who’s never heard of drugs before: “Take an edible”? Dude, just say you ate some food. Sheesh
me: do you serve crabs here?
waiter: yes, we do
my crab: *taking off his jacket* finally
mobster: *choking me with garrote*
me: ok NOW I’m wearing a wire lol
I work like this:
Not hungry
Not hungry
Not hungry
Not hungry
I WILL PUNCH A HORSE FOR HIS FEED BAG AND EAT YOUR BABY FOR DESSERT.
Too full.
Ruin someone’s day by asking to see their tattoo then saying “is it supposed to be crooked?”
My husband said we need to have an important talk, and guess what it was about? Time Travel. 👍🤣❤️
Him: You’re perfect
Me: Nooooo
Him: Ok, close
Me: Wait what’s wrong with me?
If you are what you eat I’m a small family of ladybugs 🙂
You can say “Holy shit” in the waiting room of any a plastic surgeon.
But I don’t suggest you point.
Lionel Richie: 🎶hello is it me you’re looking for?
caller: actually yes I’d like to speak to you about your car’s extended warranty
Hoping for an even stronger cup of coffee, I just replaced the water in my coffee maker with coffee. Now we wait.
I would have become a Hare Krishna
if only I had the chants.
if I were a pediatrician I’d break the ice with new patients by having the receptionist call my phone 3 minutes into the appointment and saying “look, Mrs Johnson, I run a busy practice- for the last time NO MORE MONKEYS JUMPING ON THE BED”
We get it, Aaron. You like vowels
Story of my life…..
-gestures to everything in the Garage-
Me- THESE ARE MY TOOLS AND I AM THEIR KING!!!
Wife- YOU’RE a tool
Me- DAMN RIGHT I AM
Wait..what?
At a wedding during the vows, the little flower girl yells out “When is this over?”
She gets it..
Onion rings.
I pick up the onion. “Hello?”
I start crying. “Bad news?” she asks, as I hang up.
“No, babe. It’s an onion.”
Her: Is breakfast almost ready?
Me: Yeah, I just have to drain the sausage.
Her: Can’t we please wait till after breakfast for that?
Some people are like water balloons, they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
I am determined to save money. I don’t care what it takes: making coffee at home, lowering the thermostat, purchasing $200 of stuff I don’t need to qualify for free shipping. Whatever it takes.
The Dominos “tracker” says Ashley just left with my pizza so I only have a few minutes to get naked. Just glad it’s not Brad…
…again.
[dad accidentally steps on the dog]
I’m sorry girl, I didn’t see you. Are you ok?[dad accidentally steps on me]
Why are you on the floor?!
Until you’ve tried to start a conga line at a funeral, don’t tell me about your drinking problem.
I’m deleting some dumb tweets.
I need all your passwords please.
Humidity is like heat if it suspected you were about to break up with it.
i woke up at 3:48 from a weird dream i wanted to rememember. tried to text myself sketchy details. accidentally sent them to a number one off from mine. help