Are chicken nuggets an emotion because i feel very chicken nuggets right now
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Pete Davidson would have stole Helen Of Troy from both those mfs.
[Dog asleep on rug] I once killed a bear with my own two paws
[Legs move wildly]
THAT’S IT I’M WAKING HIM
“No Henry. Let sleeping dogs lie.”
me: *popping balloons*
kid: you’re mean
me: do YOU want to smuggle the heroin
“Guests, like fish, begin to smell after three days.”
That’s why I keep everyone who comes to visit in the freezer.
My daughter telling me not to worry because she got her own allowance from my purse did not have the effect she intended
He: “I think all my dating apps are in Halloween mode.”
She: “Halloween mode?”
He: “Yes, everyone is ghosting me.”
#Halloween #RubbishJokes
Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them.
This is not a coincidence.
*tries on a gas mask*
Me: Shit, I don’t look anything like a gas.
Friend: Our backstories shape us, but don’t define us
Me: Like Spanx
New relationship be like, “what you doing?” ….”just drinking water”…”ok darling plz be careful”
My son (4 years old), who has grown up watching us talk to Siri and Alexa, thinks you can talk to anything that has a screen or is plugged into the wall. This morning he told the toaster to order him a new lego set.
How to make a woman scream in the bedroom: marry her and leave your clothes on the floor.
Just learned that land on earth was covered in moss for 40 million years. Imagine getting to one million years of just moss thinking that you gotta be done with moss any day now and then you learn it’s 39 million more years of moss
Dude that’s not a tire swing its a warning to other tires that trespass in my yard
there’s a jehovah’s witness dressed up as a cop who keeps banging on my door, haha nice try buddy
[guy who’s about to invent urinals]
*peeing* i hate having privacy
Last-minute gift idea!
Dancing Prime Minister
Dancing Chancellor of the Exchequer
Dancing Lord Privy Seal
-ABBA explores dance vis-a-vis constitutional monarchies
I hope the mysterious food thief at the office enjoys the dog food marinara and Jello with my toenail clippings I made for him/her.
If any of my ex-girlfriends are reading this, I want you to know I’m eating chicken nuggets with THREE different dipping sauces, you blew it
Obama: Who were you talking to before he came here for the meeting?
Biden: Young Metro.
Obama: Why did you call-
Biden: Shhh. I got this.
Well, well, well. If it isn’t that same mistake I’ve made several times already.
HR says I’m not allowed to build an electric fence around my desk for days I have to go into the office .
train me.
no.
train me.
okay.
training montage.
the big fight.
i’m glad you trained me.
i’m glad i trained you.
#everyboxingmovie
“You are what you eat” I chant furiously, shoving another roach in my mouth. Mushroom clouds keep growing in the distance
What is the difference between Black-Eyed Peas and Chickpeas?
Black-Eyed Peas can sing us a song,
but Chickpeas
can just hummus one.
Thanks to Twitter, rock bottom now has a waiting list.
Buying little gold star stickers so when people I’m speaking with say things I like I’ll stick one on their forehead.
GOOGLE: *please create password*
ME: *Giraffe_Neck*
GOOGLE: *password is too long*
ME: *The_Revenant*
GOOGLE: *password is too long*
ME: *CVS_receipt*
GOOGLE: *dude*
Me: People who are superstitious about the number 13 are silly. It’s just a number.
Also me: *cannot have the total amount on a gas station pump end in anything but an even number or the number 5*