me: that’s my wife susan
him: please pass the salt, ma’am
me: idk she’s pretty lazy
her: [rotates entire table]
me: but strong
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When people name their town Plainview, at least they’re honest enough to admit it’s not much to look at.
My dog does this thing where it thunders and suddenly I’m wearing a dog hat.
(uses phone to push more food onto my fork)
My 5 year old took a single bite out of 10 mini croissants. His older brother denied he had anything to do with it. Under questioning, we found out his older brother simply said, “Wouldn’t it be funny if you took a bite out of all these?”
Oh you “like women?” Cool, name three of their early works.
[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
*needs a hug
*taps car brakes a little too hard so the seatbelt locks upNice.
THIS IS THE POLICE.
COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.“Wrong house guys.”
ARE YOU SURE ABOUT THAT?
“Yup, happens a lot.”
OKAY COOL, SORRY.
(trying to explain what adulthood is like to a kid) you know in sims when you put a guy in the pool and then you take all the ladders out.
Me: I’m not the same person I was when you met me.
Him: we met six seconds ago.
My wife and I take turns going to our 11-year-old’s swim meets.
Two weeks in a row, when it was my turn, the meet got canceled.
Now our daughter always wants it to be my turn.
Looks like we all just want to stay home.
A main part of marriage is heavy sighing to let your spouse know you are upset then saying, “nothing” when they ask what’s wrong.
Captcha: Click on every photo of a real tunnel
Wile E Coyote: oh no
[date]
me: what’s your type?
her: I like a man who doesn’t get jealous
me: WHO IS HE
I’m a go with the flow kind of gal unless the flow is after 9pm or involves people I don’t know or parallel parking.
*sees cute girl on sidewalk*
nice
*she makes eye contact*
oh wow
*she smiles*
is this happening
*she’s holding a clipboard*
god dammit
[my dad is in the backyard motionless gazing off into the distance]
wife: what’s he doing
me: oh, there’s a long standing tradition in my family
her: what is it
me: i… just… told you?
parenting hack: take your kids to the park then just leave them there. start a new life. be you. enjoy traveling again. make new friends that don’t care what color the cup or bowl is. you don’t need that negativity in your life. be free.
I hope the bomber suspect is made of green screen so we can all project our most feared skin color onto him.
[childbirth]
me: are you ok?
wife: IT’S AGONY!
me: I THOUGHT WE DECIDED ON TIFFANY
Saturday night is for moaning My name. Sunday morning is for chanting it.
[when i was a kid]
DAD: remember, if a girl is mean to you, that means she likes you
[today]
MY BOSS: you screwed everything up this week you idiot
ME: sorry, i’m not really looking for a relationship right now
IRS: hey time to do taxes guess how much you owe
Me: i don’t want to guess can you just tell me
IRS: …
Me: hello?
IRS: i’m thinking of a number between one and jail
My coworker snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.
In related news, hiding a body is not as easy as you think.
Told my son I needed some non talking time while I drank my coffee so instead he sat next to me and hummed the godzilla theme.
God: you’re a mosquito.
Mosquito: what does that mean?
God: you feed on blood.
Mosquito: i’m a vampire?
God: no.
Mosquito: oh.
God: you can fly.
Mosquito: i’m a vampire!
God: no.
Mosquito: oh.
God: garlic repels you.
Mosquito: [happy gasp] i’m an itty-bitty vampire!
Him: Let’s make another baby
Her: WTAF??
Him: Yes
me: *nauseated from eating too much*
also me: did you say cake?
“No. Nope. Absolutely not. Nope. Incorrect. Wrong” – Neil deGrasse Tyson watching A Star is Born