Watch it bro, your mouth’s writing checks your body can’t cash. Because you write really sloppy with the pen in your mouth. Seriously, wtf?
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[cute guy approaches at bar]
Him: Hey can I…
Me: [blushing] Yes?
Him: Can I get a pic of you for my mom? You look just like my grandpa.
[spelling bee finals]
JUDGE: your word is “asterisk”
KID: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: *adjusts mic* yes
mortgage broker: You’ll need proof of stable income.
me: no problem
broker: Where are you currently employed?
me: Spirit Halloween
“The Last Voyage of the Demeter” is too long a title. Personally , I would have called it “Bitey Boat”.
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting tiny pieces of styrofoam off my hands.
Just saw somebody leaving the dispensary in a U-Haul truck. Leave some for the rest of us, cmon
[prison]
So, what are you in for?
*flashes back to trying to collect and breed crows*
“Attempted murder”
My toddler was about to hit her head on a bar at the playground so I told her to duck and she quacked at me.
And then hit her head.
Have you been working out? You look amazing! You should be a supermodel. I ran over your dog.
“The Burning Bush” but it’s just me getting laser hair removal.
doctor: does this make you uncomfortable?
me: yes
doctor: and how about this?
me: yes
doctor: and what about this?
me: please stop kissing my mom
Do people who go to stores on Black Friday know that if you anger your entire family, you don’t have to buy holiday gifts?
Anytime someone throws a Great Gatsby themed party, I have to assume they never finished the book.
“Waitress!”
Waitress: “Sir?”
“Could you check the rest-room? My date has been gone 2 hours. Also, her coat has been stolen”
The wife is out of town so you know what that means. That’s right, unsupervised eating.
Apparently speed dating doesn’t involve taking amphetamines. UGH.
Worst night ever.
My wife begged me to stop singing Outkast songs, so I was like, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alri
i was having a panic attack and my friend suggested holding a rose quartz so i stopped panicking and just got angry
if my friends ever feel sad and they need to talk to somebody… they always know im right there… only 2-3 missed calls away
I saw an attractive girl in the UK and said to her “you look like a million pounds”. That’s how I got this black eye.
[Showing Tom Cruise a video of me putting on a sock while standing] I do my own stunts too.
My last turkey joke was deleted due to fowl language.
#Thanksgiving #RubbishJokes #ThursdayMorning
Arranged to pick something up on facebay. On way there they text to say they’d sold to someone else. Stalked their profile until they posted they were in search of something. Said I had it. When they turned up, I told them I’d just sold it someone else instead.
I’m new to confession. Is it normal for the priest to cry and ask for a priest?
Her: Stop being absurd. Just be yourself.
Me: Make up your mind.
Did you know you can replace Sweet Child O Mine with Sweet Glass O Wine and it makes for an even better song
My walk of shame is going back for a shopping cart after realizing I can’t carry 23 items in my arms through the store.
It’s almost Mother’s Day.
Big shout out to the hamsters that eat their young.
When will I learn that smoking as much as possible before I go to the airport won’t keep me high for my entire flight it’ll just make going through security Terrifying
[tarot reader looks at my cards]
you’re gonna die clonking your head on something