Grandma: sorry you guys were busy last night we had such a great—
Kids: we weren’t busy last—
Me: shoves grandma into car
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I don’t care how much you pay for sushi- you are getting a raw deal.
Sometimes people disagree with you and they’re like: “Read a book!” But like…any book? They can’t ALL prove your point.
My daughter and I decided to play Monopoly, and we’ve been arguing about the rules for the last hour.
Just realized the girl I flipped off in the parking lot is in my next class.. This could be awkward.
Me: I’m meal planning. Is candy corn allowed on keto?
Keto: Please leave our cult.
my 7 year old said Batman was his favorite animal and it was too late to switch mine
ME *waits for phone to stop ringing and then checks number to see who it was*
Guy training me to be an emergency responder: yeah that was wrong
It’s called courting because you will need lawyers later.
Every time someone calls me an asshole, I stand up like I’m gonna do something about it. Then I just end up stretching while I wink at them.
Me: I’m not saying I hate your voice, but when you start talking, I understand the way dogs feel about fireworks. *howls*
Co-worker:
[phone rings]
“You’re gonna die in 7 days”[me, pantless in dark kitchen, lips to phone]
Can u make it 5
Took away all my son’s electronic privileges, and now he’s so bored he’s given me 35 hugs.
May take them away tomorrow too.
George Michael: I hope you like it
me: *opening gift* oh… your heart, umm… you shouldn’t have
[the very next day]
me: does anyone want this, I’m just giving it away
My toddler has discovered the word WHY. Please send help.
Son: Teach me to fight
Me: You don’t fight with these *makes fists* You fight with this *points to head*
[later]
Principal: Your son’s been head butting kids on the playground
Me: *nods sagely* Just as I taught him
I made a rabbit stew last night. My husband complained there was a hare in it.
everything in the world’s horrible now not like the good old days of black plague, holocaust, atomic bombs, holodomor, khmer rouge, crusades
“uh… dare.”
-Pinocchio
if i’m “mama” and you “just killed a man” i’m sorry but i’m not letting you finish your song we’ve got a body to hide, son
それは草
passport control: you don’t look anything like your picture
incredible hulk: THE FLIGHT WAS DELAYED
We were watching The Discovery Channel on the couch.
I was naked.
She was afraid.
I guess I should have probably introduced myself first.
LAWYER: [whispers] i did the murder [loudly] read that back?
STENOGRAPHER: “I Did The Murder.”
JUDGE: omg the stenographer just confessed
CEO: We need to come up with a brand name for these sticks of bread.
Guy who named the meatball: *takes deep breath
Comcast Cable acquiring Time Warner Cable is a lot like your proctologist acquiring a bigger finger.
somethings never fade away, like a memory of your first dog, or that line on your stomach after you sit for too long.
when I die, mix my ashes with the potato salad at the wake. I want people to mourn my passing twice
What do you mean you come from a dysfunctional background?
“Well my mom is a compulsive hoar-“
*gasp*
“-der. Wait, what did you think I was going to say?”
Sorry, I get easily distracted
I finally finished season one of searching Netflix.
“I really wish I could squeeze that piano over and over” – guy who invented the accordion