My boss got hit by a car while I was on my way to the wishing well so yes, I do have some spare change.
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Why do I keep finding a lone shoe when I’m out hiking? Did someone just choose to abandon their shoe and hop along the trail?
Me: “If I need another drink, do you prefer if I rattle my glass or snap my fingers?”
Her:
They say to “dress for the weather you want” so anyways I’m freezing today and metaphors are hard.
“WHAT?! YOU NEVER TOLD ME!”
– My 7yo, hearing he has a middle name for the millionth time.
Heard rumors that a coworker slept her way to a promotion. Damn, if the bosses only saw how much I sleep at my desk I’d own this place.
My mum needs to stop using all the blenders for stew.. It’s pissing me off having spicy Oreo milkshake
People who say they don’t have a mean bone in their body haven’t had their back go out on them.
Wildflowers are just regular flowers that go clubbing until 4 a.m. and snort coke off of each other’s tramp stamps.
on earth: a magiciam puts his hand in his hat
in the rabbit realm: The Hand emerges. it is time. the rabit council must chose a sacrifice
“WAIT!” I screamed at my daughter as she typed Y-O-U on my computer but miraculously the autocomplete added “TUBE” so yeah, God exists.
My beef with you is that you’re too chicken to pork me.
“Do you want to hear a really good Batman impression?”
“Go on then”
“NOT THE KRYPTONITE!”
“That’s Superman”
“Thanks, I’ve been practicing.”
“Oh my god I LOVE this song” -Me, listening to a Favorite Songs playlist I made
Sunflower seeds: For when you want to have a snack while pretending you’re a cockatiel.
Yeah but the way I see it is, I have the rest of my life to exercise but this 350 pack of Oreos from Costco expires in December of 2017.
I have standards. They might be low, but still…..
[Luxury hotel planning meeting]
Fluffy pillows?
Absolutely.Soft towels?
Definitely.Quality toilet paper?
Sandpaper is fine.
What, tough guy? Come try taking that picture over here, why don’t ya?
Sometimes I say “you’re welcommmme” to my husband for no reason in a super snobby voice just to watch him squirm.
Imagine if Iron Man could do whatever an iron can. 🎶 Flattens shirts, with his heat. Gives your slacks a nifty pleat. 🎶
That kid that said “if the teacher doesnt show up in 15 minutes, we are legally allowed to leave” is in prison now.
My toddler was babbling a mile a minute first thing this morning and my 4yo said, ‘I’m going to need pancakes if I’m going to listen to you,’ so he’s my stress management coach now.
People who say “adorbs” make me miserbs
If I was a rock I’d be a pink quartz, polished smooth by my kids’ hands touching me all the time.
Wife: Please don’t tell any of your “jokes” at my work party. You’re gonna look like an idiot.
[later]
Me:
I’m not sure why people limit themselves to snapping wishbones when there are so many excellent human bones for breaking.
I feel like my relationship with the Walking Dead started so great and we had some good times but now we’re only staying together for the kids.
I know how to share fries even if others do not. I am a bear.
Nothing is better than working out to 80s music. Except listening to 80s music without working out.
Caesar: friends, Romans countryman lend me your ear…
[2 days later]
*Caesar opens mailbox*
“oh FFS Van Gogh IT’S A SAYING!!!!!’