I know
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My friend got a job at the dry cleaners but he got stressed out because he always mixed up the orders and kept upsetting the customers.
So the boss sent him to do a course in hanger management.
So many mixed messages in the media. Titanic tells us “never let go.” Frozen says “let it go.” Smdh
Company loyalty can often be explained by Stockholm syndrome.
Why do people say they tried calling me? No, you did, in fact, succeed in calling. I just didn’t answer.
day 1: we’re in this together babe.
day 47: i can hear you breathing.
Paul McCartney wrote ‘Yesterday’
But he also wrote ‘Obla-de-obla-da’ and ‘Ebony and Ivory’
So, don’t worry if some of your tweets are shit
‘what goes on inside your head?’ nothing i wanna be a part of
[Me in a horror movie]
*is not at the cabin because I have no friends*
If you like piña coladas
And gettin’ caught in the rain
Then you need an umbrella
For your drink & your mane
So many people recognized me with my mask on that I had to cross Bank Robber off my list of career options
I’m starting to think we won’t be getting Mambo number 6. If it was coming, it would have happened by now
When you think about it, ‘I’ll pray for you’ is essentially saying ‘I’ll talk to myself about your problem’. Good luck!
My favorite act of vengeance is befriending your dad and convincing him that dread locks would look cool on him.
Omg, do you mind? I’m busy. This dinner isn’t going to peel back plastic, stir and add 3 minutes to itself.
me: *after aceing my finals* that was easier than giving candy to a baby
them: don’t you mean taking candy from a baby
me: why would I take candy from a baby, you monster
[first day as a Twitter designer]
Never mind an edit button. What people really want are round avis.
If you send her a message and she doesn’t reply in six months she is probably thinking about it
Me: But what will I eat?
Nutritionist: *provides me with a list of healthy foods*
Me:
Nutritionist:
Me: But what will I eat?
Introducing new iPhone 5 features:
– Patented Ultrablack color technology.
– Siri is less of a cunt.
– Contains 1 mg of Steve Jobs’ ashes.
If you start your emails with “Greetings” let me be the first to welcome you to Earth.
i didn’t think at 41 i would be saying “but please don’t tell my parents” as often as i do
i still can’t believe that my senior class voted me “least likely to let things go”
This guy was looking over my shoulder while I was texting so I texted “I hope this guy next to me doesn’t catch what I have.”
Every television should come with the volume setting, “Eating Chips”.
Pan Left To Soak Now Predates All Current Roommates
Dear people filming disasters : You need to zoom out before running for your lives.
Nobody likes blurry footage, you selfish animals.
Me: They are tiny mints that live in a little plastic coffin
Boss: I said let’s talk tactics
Monday Lisa
Satanic ritual canceled. The goats keeps eating the sacred parchment paper.
(At a funeral)
Im so sorry for your loss. I know how it feels to lose something you love. Last year Taylor Swift took her music off Spotify.